Whilst I come across as someone who is confident and outgoing I am extremely insecure. Right now I am struggling with my appearance. I would absolutely love to be a body positive influencer but I can’t because it would be completely false advertising and whilst I am many things one thing I am not is false.
Struggling with how I look
Recently I’ve really been struggling with the way I look and this isn’t just my body. It’s my face, my hair EVERYTHING.
When I look in the mirror I see someone I don’t recognise. Growing up I never considered myself an ugly person. I definitely never felt beautiful but I thought I was OK.
Then something changed. I’m not entirely sure what it was but when I looked in a mirror I no longer saw someone who was OK to look at. Instead I saw someone with hair that’s been falling out rapidly and turning grey faster than I can dye it.
My eyes have always been something I’ve been very proud of. They are a lovely blue colour and with my dark hair they tend to stand out. However not anymore, now when I look at my eyes I see the fact that one is slightly droopy where I’m losing the sight in it. I notice bags that could fit my entire families holiday items in them.
My teeth are actually disgusting, I’ve lost a lot of them from when I had a tongue bar and used to run it across all of my teeth. It took the enamel off meaning they ended up in poor condition. If I could have just 1 piece of cosmetic surgery it would be to have my teeth done.
And when it comes to my body , I actually don’t even like talking about it. My belly sags and as much as I would love to say I’ve had 5 children and I am proud of it. I’m not, it doesn’t sag because I had 5 children it sags because I over eat!
I’m about 6 stone heavier than I would like to be but I never seem to be able to stick to anything to help me with it. I walk quite a lot but I’m a bit compulsive in the fact that one week I might do a huge walk 4 or 5 times and really obsess over it. Then other times I just don’t even try.
Generally I eat quite healthily but I eat far more than I should. I know I do it too! But I just can’t stop. I can’t wait for the new gym to open in town so I can try to crack the weight thing once and for all.
No matter how much weight I lose it won’t change my face though will it!
I wasn’t going to post the video
I very nearly didn’t post the parody which actually sounds stupid after the hours of hard work that went into it. First there was writing the lyrics. Then recording the song followed by actually filming it, It really was a project that took a lot of hard work and many swear words between me and my laptop.
When I put it together and played it back I couldn’t stop criticising myself. First the recording. My voice sounds flat and almost like a cat was being strangled. Then we get to the actual video.
Playing it back I just saw someone extremely ugly and overweight that was probably best away from a camera and sat behind words on a keyboard instead.
So why did I post it?
Because I saw something else when I played it back. Yes I might be overweight and look awful but I saw something far more important and worth sharing than that.
This video shows the relationship between myself and my children. All of my children are having fun. They are thriving in spending time with their mummy to film it.
I particularly love the end where I dance with each of them one by one. Yes my wobbly bits are wobbling but my children don’t see that. They just see their mum having a great time and being fun.
One day I won’t be here anymore and that parody that I wasn’t going to post will be something they will watch back and remember making. They won’t see someone who is fat and ugly they will see their mother. Who they loved and who loved them more than the world.
So if I look fat, ugly and sound like rubbish so be it because we had an incredible time filming it. Lots of laughs and it was super fun! Feel free to share the parody if it made you smile too, wobbly bits and all!