My First Mother’s Day Without You – What’s It Like Mum?

It’s my first Mother’s Day without you and there is so much that I could and probably should be writing to you but instead all I can think about is what’s it like Mum? I have so many questions that I would ask you if I could.

Where do I start?

Does it all stop? When your heart stops, does everything else just stop or is there more? Does everything just go black and that’s it? Or do you move onto something else. There are so many theories, so many different explanations but nobody actually knows for sure do they.

Let’s start with the light thing

Did you actually see a bright light? The reason I’m asking is when I had that scary episode, you know the one I’m talking about, the one I was told I was lucky to be alive. I didn’t see anything, I didn’t dream. It was just emptiness. So it made me doubt whether there was anything afterwards. So did you see a bright light?

Did your life flash before your eyes?

They say that your whole life flashes before your eyes don’t they? Did that happen? Did you play out scenes from your life like they show you in films or TV shows? Did you remember your wedding vows or when we were all born? Did you relive my first steps or the first time I said ” Mummy”

Was you scared?

Did you know it was going to happen? Was you scared? You always told me about your mum and how young you was when she passed away. Was she waiting for you? I really hope she was and that you wasn’t scared and instead that you was excited because at last you had a chance to be with your mum again.

Was anybody there waiting for you?

I’ve already asked about your mum, but what about Grandad was he there? Was anybody else there? Uncle Richard? Your own Nan and Grandad? What about your Aunties and Uncles? Were there people excitedly waiting to see you, or was it just nothing? Did the world just stop?

Your Funeral?

Did you like it? I know, that’s probably a stupid question right? I’m guessing nobody likes their own funeral but Dad did so well didn’t he? He chose amazing songs for you. You would be so proud of how well he has done, He’s got a job, a new place that he’s decorated. He keeps your grave beautiful and tidy. He has his sad moments and he misses you so much but he really would make you proud with how well he is doing.

Did you see Harry’s speech to you? We were worried that people weren’t going to make it but were so proud when we came around the corner to see so many people stood on the path waiting for us to arrive. It just showed what an impact you had made on so many people. There were people there that we hadn’t seen in years. All of them had so many nice things to say. A lot of stories about going on nights out with you before you became so poorly.

The old fun you that everybody knew and loved. It’s such a shame that the kids never really got to meet that version of you. The one we all knew before you got so poorly. The one who liked to have a great time and knew how to have fun.

That’s all the questions I have for now

Well all I’m willing to publicly share anyway, I will ask the rest privately when I come to the grave to wish you a happy Mother’s Day.

I miss you Mum, You always said to me that the best friend you will ever have in your life is your Mum and I always shrugged it off. I guess that was because the person saying it to me wasn’t the amazing lady who bought me up, cared for me, kept me clothed, fed, made me laugh, cuddled me when I was sad. Made sure that I had everything I needed.  That person was lost towards the end hidden behind the poorly lady that you had become but she was still inside there she was just covered by pain.

But you were right. Things have been hard recently, really hard and the only person I wanted and needed was you. The only person who could possibly give me the right advice, the only person who would truly understand me and know what to say or how to go about things was you.  I didn’t know how to deal with things and nobody understood but you would have because you’re my mum and as much as I never admitted it, what you said was right. Your mum really is your best friend and the only person in the world who knows the real you.

If I could say anything at all to you right now, it would simply be Thank you for raising us all the way you did. You taught us all to be well-mannered, respectful, kind and courteous. You made sure that we always had nice clothes, a home we could be proud of and that we were never embarrassed to bring friends home to. You took us on amazing fun-filled family holidays and we all knew that we were loved.

Happy Mother’s Day Mum

I Miss You

xxx

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