I’m ditching the treats this Christmas

Christmas time is generally a time where we all stuff our faces, ignore the scales. Make ourselves feel sick from all the treats and from over indulging. I am not exception to a little festive food frenzy however this year I’ve decided to ditch the treats. I thought I’d share with you all my reasons why.

Self – Confidence

Anyone who knows me in real life will tell you that I come across as being very outgoing and confident. Beneath this exterior is someone that all of those people wouldn’t even realise was there.

I have serious issues with my body and myself in general but one thing that I really don’t like is my body. I’m not a body confident person. In fact I hate the way I look that badly I avoid looking in mirrors that go further than my shoulders. Even when I’m having a shower or a bath I generally try to avoid looking at my body because I find it disgusting.

Strangely enough the only thing I really like about my body is my stretchmarks. They are the one thing that I am not self conscious about because they tell a pretty incredible story.

As a result of my dislike for my body shape my confidence levels have plummeted. When I’m out with friends ( which isn’t very often) I am fully aware of the fact that I’m the “fat friend”. Finding something to wear is a nightmare. There are so many beautiful clothes out there in all shapes and sizes but whenever I try something a little different I just think it makes me look huge so I tend to stick to dark colours.

By ditching the treats it is helping me gain confidence. With every inch and every pound that I lose I can feel an excitement within myself of how I will look once I reach my goals, the clothes I can wear and taking photographs where I don’t hate the way I look.

I’ve taken before photos and plan to take one every month so that I can physically see the difference and change to spur me on.

Entering the public eye

In the new year I have some exciting things coming up in the new year where I will be in the public eye more. One thing I know for sure that people will pick on ( apart from my fast growing grey hair) is my weight. I would love nothing more than to be able to reveal this new slim me to everyone. To show people that with real determination you can achieve it.

I won’t be doing any faddy diets, the will be no syns, points, cabbage soup. Definitely won’t be any milkshakes ( I’ve tried it before and it triggered my migraines massively) I will be going by a rule I have seen so many talk about and it makes perfect sense when you think about it.

Each day I will aim to burn off more calories than I consume. I’ve been doing this for almost 2 weeks now and already I’m creeping towards the half a stone loss. It’s actually interesting how you change your choices just because of the amount of calories in something.

Not too long ago I’d have thought nothing of popping open a full can of Pringles and demolishing the lot. Ordering take away for the family and indulging in 4 slices of pizza as well as sides. Now before eating anything I check the calories in the food. If it’s high I find an alternative choice.

I don’t deny myself from anything I want and if I want to have a treat then I will. Everything is now in moderation so instead of a large chocolate bar I may just enjoy a couple of squares. If I’d like to have crisps instead of having 2 or 3 bags ( yes I really did have a 2 bag rule whenever I had crisps , it always had to be 2 bags) Now I go for a small bag with low calories.

I have to dress as a clown!

No, I’m not joking. In June I’m going away with my friends. Every time we go there is a theme for fancy dress. I always have to play it safe and wear large and frumpy outfits. Last time we went the theme was Alice in Wonderland and I struggled so much to find a mad hatters costume that would fit me and still look nice rather than an oversized nightie.

The other nights theme was Wizard of Oz , I actually loved my Dorothy outfit but not as much as I’d have loved to be able to wear something a little more sexy and flattering.

I found some gorgeous sexy clown outfits and my friend Charlie decided that would be the theme for our next weekend away. The costumes are gorgeous and I’ve got my eye on a few of them. Going as a clown at this size is not going to happen.

Firstly I will struggle to find one in my size and even if I do it will just look terrible. My friends and I only get together every few months so I would love nothing more than to surprise them when they see me in June with a smaller frame.

My Health

Growing up my Mum was always an overweight lady. I remember spending many nights watching her poorly, struggling to breathe and going through pain. Feeling powerless because there was nothing I could do to help her. She had a list of conditions as long as her arm and each one made her life very difficult. She had gone from a confident bar lady to someone who could barely take care of herself.

The weight I’ve gained recently has had an effect on my health. I’ve got constant backache. The more I weigh the worse my headaches are. My asthma becomes worse and I really don’t want my children to have to watch me the way I had to watch my mum.

I used to get jealous of friends doing things with their mums because my mum wasn’t able to. Don’t get me wrong she did the best she could and I have many memories of before she was ill from dancing in the living room to dancing on tables on holiday but it all stopped once she got so poorly.

I want to be there at the bar and dancing with all of my kids. You know those 80 year olds that still think they’re 19 with their glow sticks? That’s going to be me! The kids already tell me to turn my music down instead of it being the other way round.

No treats for me

So this Christmas everyone can keep their chocolates, cheeses, snack and more because this Chezzie wants to find herself again. I want to be able to dress less like an old lady and more than that I want to feel confident within my own skin.

I’ve set myself a little promise that when I hit my goal I’m going to treat myself to a makeover, new hair, new clothes, nails and more. I will do this, if I can make it through the next week without caving and giving in to the temptations then I know I have a much healthier, confident, fun future ahead of me and I can’t wait to see what it has in store for me.

I joined a new gym too so I’m trying to fit in as many sessions as possible, it’s VERY addictive. I was excited to see they would be open on Xmas eve and again on Boxing day. Whilst everyone else is pigging out and having food naps I will be sweating my arse off on that bloody Arc machine and lifting weights,

I don’t think I have been more determined to succeed than I am right now. I’ve already turned down Papa Johns Pizza and chocolate orange ice cream and I’m not even bothered about it. Choosing the healthier options is actually spurring me on and making me experiment with more colourful and tasty meals.

Thanks for reading

x

You’re FAT!!!! and no I don’t mean with a PH we mean actual FAT!

Today has been what can only be described as f*cking horrible, awful, soul-destroying, hard, down heartening.   Tough. I have been called fat not once but twice!

Now don’t get me wrong I am fat, In fact I am over 15 stone of fat and more than aware of it but I am also working bloomin hard to become fitter and healthier.

I have done nothing but try to improve my health and weight recently by joining the gym, going to clubbercise, swimming and eating healthily and to be called fat is just like a big kick in the teeth.  Ironically until I actually started working out and losing weight I was NEVER called fat by anyone but I guess that will be because before I used to smoke so that was the go to thing to give me abuse for and now I don’t smoke they have to go to the next thing.

Fat Shame number 1

The first fat shaming I got was walking into the hospital. As I was walking along and checking my paperwork to make sure I was in the right place someone shouted out of their car window “F*cking Fat B*tch” now as much as I would like to think they weren’t talking to me I was the only person around at the time.

I have a couple of things to say to that person. Firstly yes I am fat but I can diet and I would rather that than have the disgraceful personality or attitude that you have. Secondly you have no idea what so ever why I was entering that hospital. I could have been going to see a very sick family member, one of my children, had an extremely important appointment and it could have been something serious. As it happens it was just a check up from my Essure Procedure but never the less you had no idea what was going on in my life or with me today whilst you were shouting abuse out of your window.

Fat Shame number 2

I went to the doctors as recently I have been really struggling to move after sitting or lying down for a long period of time. I assume that it is from all of the lumbar punctures I have received and I am genuinely a little concerned that it may have caused some serious damage. Anyway I went to the doctors who told me it was absolutely nothing to do with my lumbar punctures as it was in the wrong place ( I disagree, I know exactly where I had my lumbar punctures and where the pain is) anyway he said that my back was going into muscle spasm and that was causing the pain. He then decided to weigh me and turned all the attention off my bad back and onto the fact that I was overweight.

He told me everything I do is wrong, right down to the amount of exercise I do in the gym and recommended that I take up pilates.  I eat wrong, exercise wrong , you name it I do it wrong I actually left there got in the car and just broke down in tears. I was vlogging my day so you can see some of how my day went by watching that, I promise there aren’t loads of snot bubbles!

Anyway I dealt with the whole thing the way I do best…. I got home thought about it all and despite every ounce of me saying f*ck it eat loads of cake I got ready and went to the gym and took all of my frustrations out there, then I had a bath …

From me to everyone who is doubting me or is putting me down WATCH THIS SPACE!!!! I love nothing more than proving people wrong!

Thanks for reading,