Anyone who knows me personally will tell you I’m very outgoing and very bubbly. I love being surrounded by people and having fun. When bad things happen I brush them off and start again. So nobody could have been more shocked than I was when depression and anxiety entered my life.
I went away with friends, I usually go a couple of times a year. It’s my respite from the world, my chance to be Chez , not mum. I count down the months, weeks and days until I’m going. Only this time I wasn’t excited, I was scared. I must have gone through every ridiculous scenario possible just for the journey there let alone when I actually got there. I got in my car and I wasn’t in my usual bubble where I rush to get there. Don’t get me wrong I couldn’t wait to see my friends but I just couldn’t shift this nervous feeling.
On the Saturday afternoon we were all laughing and joking in the bar and all of a sudden I got this overwhelming feeling that I had to leave. I left the group and headed back to the chalet. As I was walking my chest got tighter and tighter, I couldn’t breathe and could feel myself panicking. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I knew enough about them to know that this was one. I would then go on to have a few more before I went home.
The weekend was good but I just couldn’t switch off from the stresses of the world and fully enjoy it. I even packed my bags at 6am to leave and go home until my sister-in-law spoke to me and convinced me to stay where I was.
I’d been home a few days when I woke up one morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. More than that I didn’t even want to talk to anyone at all. The thought of going to do the school runs gave me palpitations. I lay in my bed and ignored everyone, I didn’t change my clothes so wore the same clothes day and night for a week. I couldn’t eat, didn’t bathe, didn’t want to be alive. People were messaging me but I didn’t reply. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me I just wanted to die.
Brain in overdrive
My brain would not shut off, from every single conversation I had recently had to the things that had been said to me recently, everything was constantly going round in my head. I was a failure, I was a rubbish mum, Nobody cared if I was here or not. Everyone’s lives would be better without me in them. I even thought about how easy it would be to take some tablets , just go to sleep and never wake up again or crash my car, everyone would just think it was an accident.
I must have visited mums grave more at that time than I had since she had passed away. I sat there for hours away from the world and the people in it. I felt it was the only place I could go where people wouldn’t think I was attention seeking or being dramatic.
I wanted to die and one day I decided that it was the day to do it. I set off to my mums grave and had absolutely no intention of returning home, as I sat beside mums headstone I said ” I’ll be with you soon mum”
I was going to die, I was finally going to be free from my thoughts, this horrible disgusting body, free from the nasty words of people and feeling like I was nothing. I would be free.
Someone did care
Whilst I was at the grave my ex partners mother was constantly texting me, talking to me, making sure I was ok, Telling me that I was important and that people cared and she invited me to go for a coffee. Initially I ignored her text then I figured I could go and see her one last time. I genuinely believe her inviting me for that coffee and just sitting and listening to me that day is the reason I’m still alive.
The crisis team were called
Now I have spoken to the crisis team many times but never for myself. This time they were called for my own safety, After a lengthy phone call I was reassured that they would take care of me and help me to feel better. The explained how I was highly stressed with no support and everything that had happened not only in the last year but since I was a lot younger had finally take their toll on me and I had just had a mental breakdown.
I was called by another member of the team who took me through a thorough and proper assessment, they asked me lots of questions where I had to give things a rating, they asked me about my suicidal thoughts, asked me about how I felt as a mother. I was completely honest and told them how I felt like I had done nothing but let my children down, I couldn’t give them the happy family I always wished for them. I felt like I was a worthless mother and they would be better with somebody else.
The lovely guy on the phone listened carefully to everything I said and then told me why I was feeling the way I was and how my thoughts were exactly that, my thoughts and not a reflection on what everyone else thought.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
so where am I now?
I no longer want to die, don’t get me wrong if I fell asleep tonight and didn’t wake up I still think people would be relieved and their lives would be better without me. But I don’t want to die. I am having weekly therapy, they are teaching me to retrain my thoughts. Mainly about myself because I can not put into words how I feel about myself. I feel disgusting. But I’m sure the picture I have added as the feature picture on here will give you some idea.
I want to get better, I want to become a role model for my children. I want a career and to use the brain that I have that is being wasted. I want to meet somebody who will love me and my children unconditionally , who wont ever make me feel like a waste of time.
But for now I’m working on loving myself again , finding the positives and trying to get out of my house a little more.
Hopefully this post will explain my sudden absence from my blog. I wasn’t be rude or ignorant I got very sick, very quickly and literally overnight went from ok to in a really bad way and you know what made it worse? I couldn’t even pick up the phone and talk to my mum to help to make it better…..
I would like to advise EVERYBODY male or female if you ever find yourself in the position I was, if you ever feel the way I did please get help. You are worth it and you know what? So am I!
There are a number of helplines that can help you please click here for a list of helpful numbers
Also please remember you can google your local mental health crisis team, they WILL listen, they WILL understand and the WILL help.