Gareth and I have been split now for quite a while but as most of you know we have remained living in the same house and co-parenting. It has become increasingly obvious how this can only be a temporary thing and we have recently been discussing the reality that we will shortly be moving forward with our lives. This includes the Fact that Gareth will be finding his own place and moving out and I will become a full-time single Mum.
I have been very lucky that up until this point I have had the full support of having him around to help with getting the children ready for school, being able to watch the babies whilst I collect the older ones and help financially.
Unfortunately this isn’t something that can last forever and whilst neither of us are ready or wanting to move forwards into anything serious with anybody else anytime soon. We are both also mindful that in order for us to move forwards from our relationship fully. Start talking to other people, start having dates we need to make the complete break from each other and that comfort blanket.
The thought of being left on my own with 5 children still scares the living daylights out of me. I remember when my marriage broke down thinking how scary it would be, being alone with 3 children and how nobody would ever want me, I mean who would possibly want a single mother of 3 children. But I shocked myself at how quickly I adapted to the situation and took it in my stride.
I soon built myself an excellent and strict routine and before I knew it a long period of time had passed and I had met Gareth. I am having very similar thoughts again. How on earth am I going to cope with 5 children. I mean 3 were tough enough but 5?
I know I will cope because I have to, I know I will regain that strict routine and I will create organisation but what about when they go to bed? Then what do I do? This is something that is really playing on my mind. Unfortunately I am in a state of mind where I have no desire to meet anybody else. I don’t even want to date at all. I have lost my faith that there is anyone out there for me but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel lonely.
The fact that these thoughts are entering my head may shock some, some people may even think WOW she’s thinking these things very soon but for a very long time Gareth has gone to bed for hours before I have and I have spent many evenings on my own so this loneliness isn’t something new for me.
You would think with that in mind that this shouldn’t be something I am worried about but the difference is that despite the fact I have spent many evenings alone and downstairs I have always known he has been upstairs and very soon that won’t be the case.
The thought of being completely by myself is scary. The thought of being alone with no adult conversation both male and female worries me and I know I have many friends who I can message at any time but it just isn’t the same as having people physically there.
I do have a plan of action which I am hoping will help me gain back a sense of self and help to combat some of the loneliness and adult company that I will feel, including finding a job and during the day I will never be lonely as I have my incredible and amazing children around me.
But I would be lying if I said the thought of being single with 5 children didn’t scare the living daylights out of me.
I don’t know what the next chapter of my life has in store for me but what I do know is as long as my children are happy I’m ready to face it all head on!!!