At what point do we actually grow up? Thinking about life

What point do you think we as people grow up? Is it when we leave school? Pass our driving test? Have our own children? Do you have a moment where you have sat and thought shit oh man , I’m grown up now? OK I’m guessing you’re wondering what on earth I am talking about but yesterday I had a moment where I thought ‘oh god, I’m the grown up!’

Yesterday was the day we had my mothers funeral. As we all got ready I had this horrible feeling in my stomach, similar to what you get when you have a bad feeling or a rush of adrenalin. For me it was a really bad case of nerves. I have been to a couple of funerals before one being a very good friend who I grew up with, I also went to my nans and my uncles but this time it was different. This time it wasn’t a burial it was a cremation and not only that it was my mothers.

I wasn’t sad for my mum because she passed, I have had a while to get used to the fact that she was very poorly and we are extremely lucky to have had her for an extra 14 years from when the doctors she declared she had 24 hours to live. My mum had a very tough life and especially health wise towards the end. So whilst it was obviously devastating that she left us, it was comforting to know that she was no longer suffering and not in any more pain. She could keep the last of her dignity after being left almost unable to anything at all for herself.

I was sad ….

That throughout my life I have watched my mum take people in as if they were her own. I have watched her give them somewhere to sleep or feed them and take them on holiday . I’ve also seen her open her arms to people and comfort them when they had no where else to go.  She truly did open her heart and her home to many people and yesterday not one of those people were there NONE!

Don’t get me wrong there were plenty of people there and it was absolutely lovely to see my mums old friends and people I haven’t seen since I was a little girl. It was also amazing to see some of the taxi drivers arrive that she had worked with and everyone who attended were equally as saddened at the passing of my mum.

I am so sad that my mum spent a lot of time recently telling me how much people didn’t care about her and I didn’t believe her but she was right, those who SHOULD have been there weren’t there, they didn’t come to say goodbye, didn’t even send any flowers, nothing!

I had to be the grown up

Despite how I was feeling about the level of people who let my mum down at the very last moment I had a very important job to do. It was my turn to be a grown up and to put all thoughts and feelings to one side and honour my mums memory in the best way I possibly could and that was by being by the side of my dad as we said goodbye, Comforting my children as they were devastated at the loss of their Nanny.

As we all sat in the funeral car, I turned to my brother and said ‘ This makes you realise that you’re now a grown up’. In them moments I realised that my mum was gone and I was now THE mum. It was my turn to take over and help to care for everyone. It was my turn to tell my children that everything was going to be OK just as my mum had told me when my grandad passed.

It makes you think ..

The whole experience of losing a parent has made me think. I remember when my grandad passed. My mum and her brothers and sister all drifted apart. We went from seeing each other regularly to rarely. Losing my grandad appeared to unstick any glue they had to each other and everyone carried on with their lives. Yes they got in touch with any family news and visited each other very rarely or attended funerals and saw each other but they were nowhere near as close as they previously were. This was shown yesterday also as none of them were there. They all got in touch to explain they couldn’t be there but I still find it very sad. This made me think and worry whether the same thing will happen to me. My mum and dad were the glue to my family does this mean that when it’s my dads turn to go ( hopefully not for a very long time yet) that my family will also drift apart? I mean we mainly meet up for family occasions already, birthdays, Christmas etc.

It also made me re-evaluate my life, the people in it, who actually truly cares and who is just around to be nosey. You see I have just lost one of the most important people in my life and I can count on one hand how many people have been to see me to make sure I am OK. Equally I can count on one hand how many people have messaged me since the day it happened to check how I am doing or even offer to help in some way. This makes me question who I am as a person. Would anyone attend if anything happened to me?

I think yesterday I became a grown up and I am not entirely sure that I like it.

The service was amazing and beautiful and just perfect for my mum. Dad did an incredible job of making sure that everything was just as perfect as she wanted it.

Thank you to those who have messaged and offered their sympathy.



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