I’m pretty sure I am not the only person who has had the moment where they have sat there and thought about how much of their life they have wasted. Whether it is getting into a rut, being in a job that you really don’t like or just stretching yourself to your full potential. Recently it has been at the very forefront of my mind. Since my mum passed on 22nd September I have struggled to deal with the facts of my own life from how much longer I have left to what I’ve done with the time I’ve had. It has been like a continuous loop going round and round.
Last weekend I went away to meet up with friends and we had an incredible time ( I will write-up about it later so you can see ) whilst I was away I came to a few realisations. The first one was when everyone was asking each other what they do for a living.
We went round and there was everything from barmaid to teacher, electrician to manager of a care home and then it got to me. I mean I said I’m a blogger which I am but it isn’t an actual job. I don’t get paid an hourly or yearly wage, I just write about my life, occasionally I am given some free items to test out or given a few quid into Paypal for writing about something but it isn’t a job. I certainly couldn’t live off it. Although I have to point out many do and they have a very wealthy and decent income from it. I am sure that if I work hard and put my mind to it I could too but in that moment I didn’t know what to say.
So what do I do?
I am a mother, I’m a mother of 5 incredible little people all with different needs and personalities but I want to be more than that! I want to go out to work every morning, come home every evening. I want to collect a pay packet and then go out and buy things with the cash that I have earned. I don’t want to have to borrow money from family to see me through to the next time I am able to get something. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to be rich but comfortable enough to buy something if I want it rather than borrow the money from someone else so that I can get it instead.
With this in mind before I even got back home last week I had enrolled on an open day for the local hospital. They are advertising for healthcare assistants , something I have wanted to do since I was a lot younger but another thing I just haven’t gotten round to.
What else has been playing on my mind?
Another thing that has been playing on my mind is the fact that in general I am just not very happy. My life is a constant cycle of the same shit, day in , day out. My relationship has been on the rocks for a very long time and I have been struggling in silence with Gareths mental illness and with the things that come with that.
In the last 12 months I have had nothing but put downs from people. I have even been blamed for causing peoples mental health problems, which in turn meant hours of sleepless nights wondering if I have actually caused them. I have also been called manipulative, the world revolves around me and so many other horrible soul-destroying things.
Last weekend when someone complimented me on how good my hair looked when I was in the toilets I really didn’t know how to deal with it. The old me would have said thank you and talked about how long it had taken me to grow. The new me didn’t have a clue how to react and kind of went embarrassed before leaving.
People I thought were close have distanced themselves and people I genuinely thought care about me have hurt me massively and I can’t change the way people think of me, everybody is entitled to their own opinions but I can change how I see myself.
How am I going to do this?
Well I can’t very well sit here complaining and moaning about other people and how they are towards me or treat me when I can’t even be kind to myself can I? So I have already taken some steps to improve my life and if people want to stick by me through the ride then that is great. If they don’t then I am no longer living a lie, I am no longer going to let people treat me like I am anything less than they are.
These last few weeks have taught me I am as important as anybody else in this world. People can have opinions and think what they like about me but I don’t care. Life is far to short to spend anymore time worrying about others and their put downs.
I want a life, I want a job and as long as my children are happy and taken care of that is all that matters to me and will in turn make me feel better within myself. I will no longer be held back by anybody and will make sure that when it is my turn to die, I will die with dignity and knowing that I did everything I could to ensure a happy , healthy and fulfilled life. Not just for my children but for myself too.
Looking at the photos from last week, I can see, even if it is just a little glimpse , I can see the old me and no I don’t mean the person who got drunk every day and didn’t have a care in the world. I mean the me who knew how to smile! I’m excited to see what the future holds and I am damn sure my life will be a different story by this time next year because I don’t want this rut anymore.