Until the last few weeks I have thought of pretty much nothing but life and what the purpose of it is. Losing a parent is one of the most surreal experiences I personally have ever gone through. This kind of thing happens to other people, not me! I have helped several friends when they have lost their parents and despite the fact that my mother was quite a poorly lady we never really thought it would happen to her.
One thing that really jumps out when you lose a parent is the fact that life really is a cycle. I have very much grown with the view of the circle of life is you are born, you live and then you die. Being born and dying are the only things that are 100% to happen within your lifetime. When a parent leaves you , you suddenly realise that not only are your parents not going to be around forever but that you yourself are not bionic either.
So what is the point to many things in life?
By this I don’t mean in a sad or depressed point of view. I mean we are so cautious in aspects of our life and in reality what is the worst that can possibly happen? I am personally petrified of aeroplanes. I don’t even like then flying over my head. But what is there to be scared of? In reality regardless of where we go or what we do in life we will all have the same ending and that is death.
We spend so much of our time consumed in how other people perceive us or what other people are doing when the harsh but true reality is the only person who we know 100% will be with us at the end is ourselves.
I mentioned in a previous post how I was shocked by the actions of others when it came to my mums death and her funeral and I truly think this has had a knock on effect to myself. I think I have spent far to much time trying to make sure that other people are OK and helping them with their problems than I have on making sure that I am happy and my own problems are solved.
Is there really anything wrong with being a tiny bit selfish if it makes you happy? After all if you are there for other people and have done everything you can to help them yet they still can’t attend your funeral what is the point of putting yourself out in order to make them happy in the first place? Do they even appreciate what you have done for them?
I have spent months at a time reliving moments with people, going over conversations and stressing or worrying over things people have said and in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter. I know who I am as a person, I know who I care about. I know that I am there for those who I feel truly deserve it and despite many people having many opinions I know that I am an honest and trustworthy person. This has been shown several times when people have betrayed me yet I have still kept different things to myself regardless of what they have done to me.
So if I can leave this life knowing that I did everything I wanted to do. Been the best mother I can possibly be then that will be all I need. Ultimately the only person who is in charge of your own happiness is you and equally the only person restricting yourself from being who you want to be and doing what you want to do is yourself. Why?
Put on your favourite song and sing at the top of your voice, book that trip you can’t really afford, make as many memories as you possibly can.
I would rather have people remember me for living life to the fullest I possibly can and for positive reason than for negative.
Thank you for reading.
*are you struggling to deal with the grief of losing a loved one, there are many services available to help. Don’t deal with it alone. Below I have listed a couple of organisations that may be able to help if you’re struggling.
Also I have found this page on ITV’s website that give a fantastic list of organisations for different varieties of grief