If you are a regular reader of my blog or a follower on my Instagram/Twitter or Facebook then you will know that I’ve been through a pretty tough period in my life recently when I thought the world would be a much better place without me in it. After receiving intensive CBT I am now ready to talk you about moving on!
Whilst it may seem very fast to some what people don’t realise is I have actually been single on and off since November last year and even the in between bits have been what we will call strained.
I found myself missing company, not even anything within a sexual way but someone to talk about my day to or to snuggle down and watch a film with. It’s a lonely world when you’re single with 5 children, there is only so much you can discuss with your children.
So I signed myself up to a few well-known dating apps, not entirely sure what I was looking for but looking for something. Well what an experience that is, From guys dressed in pink latex like a pig to someone offering me £100 for an hour of ‘my time’ It certainly didn’t take too long to realise that maybe I was out of my depth.
Call me old-fashioned but I like to get to know somebody, laugh , joke, chat not just sit and text about the sex that will never happen. Apparently these days guys seem to think that if they send you a picture of their manhood it’s going to make you fall in love with them.
After spending a while and chatting to a few fairly normal people it came to a point where they were beginning to discuss meeting up with me. Something inside me was holding me back, I knew these guys were just taking the next natural step but for some reason I just couldn’t do it.
After politely declining invitations and having a chat to Gareth about my thoughts and fears ( yes Gareth, I know shocking huh?! but he’s actually very good at giving me a males perspective on things and we’ve turned a huge corner but I’ll get to that in a bit) I sat alone in the quiet and thought about what I really want in life.
As I was thinking I knew that the dating sites was not what I wanted, I didn’t think it would be fair on the people I was speaking to if I built up something that I genuinely wasn’t interested in.
I could accept the dates and meet new people and build friendships but that is all I would be looking for after all what did I have to lose? One of those dates could turn out to be what I’ve been searching for , for a very long time. A best friend, a soul mate, a partner & lover but the truth is as much as I thought that’s what I have been searching for it isn’t.
What I’ve actually been searching for is the real me, not the one that’s been ground down by other people, not the one who was made to feel worthless and insignificant by other people but the real me and who I want to be. I realised that it’s now time for me to focus on myself for once instead of trying to make everyone else happy.
I have aspirations and I want to do things with my life. I don’t want to be a stereotype single mother of 5 children living on benefits. I want to make something of myself, go back to work and to the gym, lose weight, learn how to love myself again because let’s face it how can I expect anyone else to love me when I don’t even love myself.
Gareth and I
As you all know we split and I am in a position where I know that I did absolutely everything I could to save my relationship, I was supportive, caring, did the little things that matter but at the end of the day relationships will only work if it is coming from both sides and in our circumstance that wasn’t the case.
For quite a while after we split things were very bad, we couldn’t even look at each other without it turning into an all guns blazing argument, we spent periods of time where we just had to spend a few days with no contact to cool things down a bit. Words were being thrown around both ways that were extremely hurtful.
I was very angry, hurt and upset that despite everything I had done I still wasn’t good enough and Gareth was frustrated that his responses towards me weren’t sinking in.
One day after a particularly bad argument I went out to visit his mum and whilst I was gone I had a bit of time to think, I returned to the house where calmly we sat and spoke like adults for the first time ever. I explained my thoughts and feelings and Gareth told me his. That night we decided enough was enough, the fighting wasn’t doing anybody any good, not him, me or the children. We stood in the back garden and had a long hug and this is where we turned a corner.
As much as I didn’t like the situation, as much as I didn’t think it was right, as much as I felt like I had been left struggling through no fault of my own and my family had been torn apart I had to accept that it is what it is and move forward. You can’t force somebody to love you and as the saying goes if you love somebody then let them go and that is exactly what I have had to do.
Turning the corner
Once we removed all of the pressure of ‘us’ and talking about the past we realised that we actually like each others company, we could be in the same room together without it turning into an argument, we even started having a laugh together.
We went from never discussing other people to openly talking to each other about potential dates and who we each were talking to. One day whilst listening to Gareth talking about a lady he was talking to I noticed something, It didn’t hurt anymore. I never felt that horrible pang in my stomach, In actual fact I found myself curious and excited to see what would happen next for him.
Don’t get me wrong I will love him forever, he is the father of my children and I genuinely 100% believed that he was my soulmate, I didn’t believe that we had gone through everything we had for nothing but I do now feel like the decision to split was right. It would never have worked when one of us felt so much more than the other.
Now we are pretty much best friends, he comes round almost everyday to see the kids. I can not fault him in anyway when it comes to being a Dad, He also has grown a lot and started to see the world a little differently after being admitted to hospital.
I am actually enjoying watching him transform from someone who was so lost into the person he wants to be. I am so proud of him for picking himself back up from the worst possible place he could be and I hope that one day he finds the person he does really click with and has that special connection with, most importantly I wish him happiness because at the end of the day is happiness not what we all truly want?
I have now deleted all dating apps, I realise I don’t actually need or want a man in my life. Don’t get me wrong I still get lonely and I do miss cuddles on the sofa but I never ever want to put myself or the kids through this again. I am focusing on myself and my children. I am going to work extremely hard to make sure that we gain a nice home by decorating it instead of being embarrassed about it.
I’ve rejoined a gym and started eating healthier. Every morning I now take vitamins to try to improve certain parts of me that were making me feel self-conscious such as my hair thinning.
I am at the moment struggling to decide what to do when it comes to going back to work or throwing myself into studying to become something more when Bethie starts full-time.
Right now my world revolves around me, my children and our happiness. I no longer want to listen to negativity, I am no longer going to take other people’s opinions so personally because one thing I learnt during my CBT sessions was that they are exactly that, just opinions, they aren’t facts and quite frankly you can’t please everyone and not everybody is going to like you.
More importantly than anything else I’ve written today, I WANT TO LIVE!
Thanks for reading