I’m scared!

Whilst I was away I received some news that I chose only to tell family and a couple of close friends and I am scared! I shared the news recently with my followers on Instagram and I have decided that now is the time to blog my feelings on what is happening.

I’m losing my sight

Last year I noticed a dramatic change to my eyesight. I have always had poor vision in my left eye as when I was younger I was stabbed with a fence panel by a girl in my street, luckily it didn’t really cause much damage and I was able to carry on as normal.

The first thing I noticed was that when I was driving at night I struggled to see the signs on the roads. During the day I was fine but on a night-time I really struggled. I also struggled to gauge the distance between the car and the curbside.

Then I noticed that if I was sat in the kitchen and Bethie was in the living room I couldn’t quite make out the full features of her face. I brushed it off as nothing as I had always struggled with the vision in my left eye and had regular check ups due to being diagnosed with Benign Intracranial Hypertension.

I had a bit of a wake up call one night when Gareth was taken ill and was rushed to hospital, as I made my way home from the hospital I got lost. You need to bear in mind that I have grown up in this town and know it like the back of my hand and there should be no reason what so ever that I would get lost but I did, it took me twice the time to get home and when I did make it home I realised that the reason I had got lost was because I really couldn’t read the signs at all and I had taken a wrong turn. This was the kick I needed to get myself to the opticians and get my eyes checked.

The optician appointment

When I went to the opticians I explained to them all about what had happened with the hospital and how I was struggling especially at night time when I was driving. Previously I had been told that there was little point in having glasses as they wouldn’t really help but the optician agreed to have a look and see if he could help.

After going through a series of tests he told me that my sight was extremely bad but he thought that wearing glasses could help me and wrote out a prescription. He also explained that because my sight was so poor that I qualified for a special voucher. I supposed I was a little naive at the news and just glad that it wasn’t going to be so expensive. The person fitting my glasses then said how he was amazed that I had managed to get by so well up until now because I could only see for 1 metre! just 1! I must have just adapted to what I could see and winged it.

The day I collected my glasses

Gareth said he wishes he had recorded it the day I collected my glasses because it was incredible to watch. He likened it to the videos you watch where babies hear for the first time. I remember putting them on and just saying WOW! initially they made me a little bit dizzy, I had spent so long walking around in a blurred world that being able to see clearly was just insane, things had outlines and definition.

The doctor’s appointment

In January I went to see the doctors for a medication review for my headaches and whilst I was there he asked about my eye appointments, I explained that I had been for my eye examinations and that when I called for the results they had just said I had been discharged but hadn’t explained why. He looked back through my notes and then what he told me next I really wasn’t expecting and it really shook me. As he said the words, he said them in such a way that were so matter of fact I really didn’t know how to process them.

He said ” The reason they have discharged you and don’t wish to see you anymore is because there is nothing more that they can do for you”

I asked him what he meant by that and he explained that the test results showed that my brain had switched off my left eye and it was never going to improve. I asked him if I was going to go blind and he wouldn’t give me a straight answer. He simply said that everyone’s sight deteriorates as they get older and mine will never get better, and that luckily for me I still have my right eye.

What the doctor didn’t know was that since those tests I had been to the opticians for that eye test where they told me that my vision was just 1 metre and that my right eye had started weakening.

The realisation.

A couple of weeks ago there was an event in our local town, I had forgotten my glasses and as we walked towards the entrance I noticed that I couldn’t read the sign at all. This sign wasn’t small or in pretty colours, it was a white piece of paper with large writing in black and I couldn’t see it. As we continued to walk around with the children I couldn’t make out the different stands or peoples faces. It wasn’t until people were right up next to me that I could see who they were. It scared me, not just a little bit but enough to shake me up.

The other night I was stood outside in the dark and I noticed a white bag moving, it took a few minutes to process the fact this white bag was being held by somebody and if it wasn’t for the fact that they were holding that white bag I wouldn’t have known they were there.

If that had been somebody trying to attack me I wouldn’t have seen them coming and I most definitely wouldn’t have been able to identify them if I needed to. This has made me scared of being out on a night time alone.

Everyday I am noticing my eyesight is getting worse and it is so scary, I am worried that I won’t see Bethie start school, I won’t see any of the kids graduate. What if I never get to see my grandchildren. Now to people who know me this may seem a bit extreme but in the last 12 months I have gone from being able to see absolutely fine to not being able to see further than a metre.

I need to book an appointment at the opticians to be retested because I know that they are worse than they were when I went last year, but I don’t want to, I don’t want to admit defeat.

I had so many things that I wanted to do. Gareth wanted to book me onto a nail course so that I could work from home without having to worry about childcare but the other day I had to sit him down and tell him it would be a waste of time as I wouldn’t be able to see clear enough to do it.

I’m so scared of what the future will hold, I’m only 36 but there is absolutely nothing I can do, the eye specialists have said they can’t even operate or do anything to help. The doctor even said I don’t know why you’re wearing your glasses, they’re pointless.

I want to get married, I want a good job, I want a nice home and time is running out fast for me to be able to do these things whilst I can still see!
I’m hoping that the doctors/opticians/ ophthalmologists come up with something to help me and save what little bit of vision I have left


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