I have a confession and it has taken me this long to be completely honest with myself let alone anybody else. A few of my close friends know little bits, Gareth knows a few more bits but nobody at all knows it all, I didn’t even realise it myself until the last couple of days and now my head is clearer I am ready to share it. Not only with my close friends and family but with everyone.
Now I guess the first thing you’re all probably wondering is why I have chosen to write this on my blog instead of confiding in family or friends. Well the truth is I don’t know. I guess I just find it easier to sit at a computer and type to a screen in the knowledge that people may and may not read it and may or may not care than to talk to people and have them pretend to be interested or only half listen. This way it’s out there and if I ever want to read back and see the turning point it’s here for me to see and to look at how far I have come.
So what exactly is going on then?
The other I picked up the phone, not once, not twice but three times and put it back down again. I was picking it up to call the doctors to make an appointment. The appointment was because I thought that maybe I was a little bit depressed. I don’t know much about depression. I know many people who suffer from it and I have spoken to several friends and family who suffer from severe depression so have a rough idea about it but I am certainly no expert.
After thinking for a while I realised that I wasn’t actually depressed, what I am is stressed which is hardly surprising considering everything that I have been through this year. so what did I do instead? I did something that I am actually quite disappointed in myself for. I got my shoes on and I went to the garage and I bought a packet of cigarettes. I quit smoking back in March and I have done so well. Apart from once the day after my mum died and when I was away at Butlins and was drunk I haven’t smoked at all other than that. My daughter going blue and being rushed to hospital and it didn’t get me smoking. My son going through hell and back being bullied didn’t make me smoke. My eldest daughter going to hospital with her thumb didn’t make me smoke. My mother passing away didn’t even make me restart smoking! Even splitting with Gareth didn’t do it! But I will get to the reason I did it shortly. The reason I went and bought the packet of cigarettes is the same reason my relationship has broken down and it has taken me until tonight to realise why!
Words can hurt deeper than people realise.
As well as everything else that has happened this year I have been going through another personal ongoing battle that I haven’t spoken about on my blog, mainly to protect my children as I don’t think it is fair that I discuss their personal matters on here. I will keep the finer details away from this for that very reason however something was said recently that has really affected me.
By ex ( not Gareth) sent Gareth a message and in that message he stated the words ” Your future ex-wife , he also said that I was manipulating and that it was no coincidence that both he and Gareth had mental health problems. Insinuating that I had caused both of their illnesses. Now these words have affected me massively. So much so that I have spent hours and hours researching to see if I have in fact caused their mental health problems. It has also caused me to spiral into a state of self-loathing. To the point where I no longer not only don’t wish to be in a relationship with Gareth but I don’t wish to be in a relationship with anyone at all. I have also started to push my friends and family away. It has made me feel like all of the people who have said horrible things in the last 12 months have probably done it for a reason and that maybe I am a big problem and I am causing problems for people, therefore giving them reason to say the things they say about me and speak about me the way that they do. This has resulted in me not wanting to be close to anybody. I genuinely am in a place where I don’t like myself very much at all.
I still love Gareth very much but I can’t be with him because how am I supposed to be with somebody when I don’t even like myself? Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate myself, I just don’t like myself at the moment and I know that I will pull myself out of it, I always do. I know that I will be happy old Chez again and people won’t drag me down for long. I myself am very shocked at how badly those simple comments have affected me. Usually I would just take it as a pinch of salt but when you have spent so long being told everything that is bad about you and not being told very many good things about yourself you struggle to see the positives.
I have figured that spending time alone and focusing on being the best mum I can be whilst trying to rebuild my own confidence is the best way forward for me for now. So whilst Gareth and I aren’t together right now, It isn’t necessarily forever. Who knows what the future holds. I am hopeful that once I find myself again everything else will fall into place one way or another. I am only human after all and this year has been a big pile of rubbish!
As for the smoking? I’m not silly I know how well I have done and in fact I found a full box of Champix in the cupboard earlier and I have already taken one so I am hopeful that by the weekend I will have stopped again I don’t want to carry on but for now they are keeping me sane.
Thanks for listening, It has been a massive help to just release this as I have been keeping it all inside for a couple of months now!