Tonight I write this with a much clearer head than I have had for a few days. This week has been one that has been very hard to swallow , where I have been called so many things, had so many hurtful comments made about me and where I have really struggled to see a way up. I am exhausted.
For a very long time I have been in complete denial about several aspects of my life. Believing that if I just try hard enough things will fall into place. However they never actually do.
In my head there is a happily ever after, a hope and a future. I can achieve bigger and better things and get to where I want to be. I will have a supportive kind and caring partner on my arm who will have weathered the storm but will be there and proudly standing by saying ‘ we’ve made it’
It is these thoughts that have kept me going despite so many odds being against me. I poured my heart and soul into trying to make it happen and I can’t tell you how many times I planned my wedding in my head.
First was a grand affair, big nice building with character, around Xmas time with beautiful light blue and silver themes. The centrepieces would be a fish bowls filled with different coloured baubles. I would walk down the aisle and he would be there waiting, proudly smiling and excited that this was it forever. He would look at me with those incredible eyes full of sparkle and love.
Then there was the country fair wedding, a field and marquee. Everyone would wear different colours. There would be giant games, bales of hay it would be themed like something you see on Instagram or Pintrest where it looked similar to a traditional summer fete. The next one was a small registry office ceremony ( this was was actually booked) followed by a huge reception with all of our close family and friends.
Finally the one I dreamt of just last week was a very small affair. Nobody but us, the children , our parents, brothers, sisters. Nieces and Nephews. Just enjoying the day with those we love and cherish but most importantly just enjoying us. The older girls would be bridesmaids, Harry would either be a best man or Usher. Freddie and Bethie would walk down the aisle in front of me holding hands and one of them would be holding a sign saying “Look Daddy, Here comes mummy”
But it wasn’t to be, because what I didn’t know was it was all a fantasy, a fairy tale and something that I believed could happen but that I was alone in that thought. I learned that when the thought of having those things with me were enough to make our whole relationship fail.
Obviously we both see things very differently as would anybody. I saw it as if we put in enough effort. Spent time to enjoy each other and rediscover why we fell in love in the first place there would be less sad times and more happy times. All relationships lose their initial lust and become something less exciting but it is how you deal with that and work to keep it alive that counts.
He saw it that all we done was constantly argue. We were never happy and it was too much to continue. Don’t get me wrong we argued, by god did we argue even to the point where I was banging my fists against a chair in frustration and I am not an angry or aggressive person at all. But never in all of those arguments did I stop loving him for a single second.
I was told today that we had lost our spark, but that isn’t true, yes we argued A LOT but we also laughed too. Whilst I was focusing on the times where we didn’t argue all the time and trying to get that back. I didn’t realise that the arguments had took their toll that severely that he couldn’t even see past them. We hadn’t lost our spark. My spark was still there trying to reignite things. He sadly had.
See when I think of us I think of 2 troubled souls who just needed to support each other to get better and be happier. I remember being chased up the stairs while he was holding a slipper to tap my bottom giggling as I ran.
I remember trying to get up in a morning and him dragging me back and wrapping his arms around me for more snuggles. I had to take the cushions off the sofa and hide them because he was constantly chasing the kids and pillow fighting with them.
Holding hands and staring into the sky as we watched the fireworks going off in Blist Hill. Standing in the kitchen as the song ‘I won’t give up’ came on the radio him staring at me with nothing but love and telling me one day this would be our first dance.
For years I fought hard to get that love and laughter back. Trying to create nice meals, snuggle down to watch films. Planning days out with the family. What I didn’t know was by then it was all too late and no matter what I tried would never be good enough.
I no longer exist
It hurts and I am confused but I’m sure he has his reasons but it is like I never even existed. All those beautiful memories I had were never real. I feel like I’m in some awful dream and I can’t wake up from it.
As I write this we no longer have any contact at all. It was decided it was too hard. I was breaking down every time I saw him because I couldn’t understand why or how he could walk away from 6 years when all I asked for was a relationship. One with meaning and a future. One with promise.
Not only that but he was visiting and wasn’t showing anything in a way of emotion over what was happening. If I was his soulmate like he had stated surely it would have sparked something. But instead as I was crumbling he was still sat there with his emotionless eyes and nothing I said or did was going to change anything. In fact everytime I spoke it just sparked more arguments. I felt and still feel like I was worthless. For someone to just walk away instead of trying to spend time with me. To walk away instead of doing the simple things such as snuggle on the sofa and watch a film or go out on dates or for walks.
This feeling of being nothing, nobody. Useless and like my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter started dragging me down. I wrote about some of it over on social media only to receive backlash about it.
But what people didn’t and still don’t see is this wasn’t someone overreacting over splitting with their partner for the 500th time. This was someone crying out for help and understanding. Because normally in these situations I would call my mum. I would breakdown to her. Take her advice and move forward. Whilst my mum and I weren’t particularly close when it came to talking about things one thing I could always rely on her for was advice about relationships.
She would point out to me when I was in the wrong, give me advice about how to make it better and console me when I needed it. When he walked out of that door last week I wasn’t just crying for my relationship or writing things for attention. What happened was finally after 8 months the grief of losing my mother hit me too. With full force. I couldn’t ring her. I couldn’t ask her for her advice. I didn’t feel like I could turn to anyone because they would just think I was attention seeking or it was just me moaning again.
So I turned to social media where I let out just a tiny bit of how I felt. Everything I thought about myself, how much I hated myself and how much everything I do and say just pisses people off was heightened when I received backlash and harsh words for what I had written.
Never in a million years would I purposely hurt anyone and if I did then I truly apologise for it. But one thing I won’t apologise for is after 8 long months of bottling it all up and trying to be strong , finally grieving for my mum. It finally sinking in that she wasn’t here and there was nothing I could do about it. Realising that I was alone and I was struggling to keep my head above the water to the point I considered if everyone would just be better if I wasn’t around.
Whilst it looked like another break down of a relationship to everyone else it was far more than that and there is still so much that hasn’t been told or said about how I’m feeling.
finally realising there is a problem
In some ways the treatment from others has actually helped me, because I have realised that I am not the person I want or choose to be and that I need medical help and not to just be fobbed off constantly.
You see I walked into the doctors a few months ago and told them I wasn’t doing life very well and because I didn’t say the words I don’t want to live anymore I was told I was just very highly stressed and had no support. It took me a lot of courage to step into that doctors and admit that I wasn’t coping with life and I felt like it was for nothing because again nobody wanted to listen to what I had to say.
There are only so many times you can sit and be talked down to, called different things, be turned away when reaching out for help before you have a breaking point and for me that breaking point was the other night. Where nobody actually knew how bad I felt and nobody knew that the only reason I kept going is because I could never leave my children. I could never make them live with my decision to give it all in. I could never put them in a situation where they were left alone.
having a sense of understanding
I have never understood Mental Health problems , I geniunely couldn’t understand how people didn’t realise that these things were in their head and weren’t real. Then last night I sat and took a mental health test myself. Because I knew how I am reacting to things and how I am feeling couldn’t be normal and the results shocked me. Never in a million years did I consider myself as somebody suffering from mental health problems least of all the things that it came up with.
I feel like a pressure cooker waiting to just explode, my brain never EVER stops , it never shuts off to the point I am constantly battling over conversations. I over think, over thinking and if I hurt or upset anyone it plays on my mind over and over again. Even some silly things like telling the kids they can’t have another biscuit will leave me reeling in guilt or feeling like I am a horrible person.
Now I’m aware I am going to face it head on and make sure that I get the support and help I need regardless of who slams the door in my face and why? because I deserve it, my children deserve it and everybody in the world deserves to be happy.
I’m changing doctors then taking those results in and I’m going to make somebody listen. I’m more than aware that people will read this saying “oh here she goes again it’s all about her” ” she brought it all on herself ” “she’s selfish” ” who cares anyway” ” she deserves it” but I can assure you that when I lay in my bed the other night contemplating never waking up again it was very real and very scary. I couldn’t see a positive. I thought my kids would be better off with someone who wouldn’t fail them as much as I do. Everyone I felt close to has gone. I am constantly reminded of my downfalls, my failings, the bad sides to me and it has hit me hard. Because that isn’t how I want to be known. It isn’t how I want to be thought of. I never in a million years start my day thinking ok balls to everyone else the world revolves around me.
So from me to all those people who have nothing but bad things to say about me, to those people that I have unintentionally hurt or upset. To the people who only have to see my name and it angers them and to the people I have never been enough for. I am sorry. I am sorry if I have caused you any distress but trust me when I say nothing you do or say could make me feel any worse than I already do right now.
I am exhausted both physically and mentally and dealing with so many different demons, I’m scared and I feel useless but I also know that I will get better. I will beat these thoughts and these feelings. I will find my old self again and learn to live with less fear and more confidence and I will do this because despite what anyone might think I deserve to be happy and healthy just like anybody else does.
Just because I am struggling with my own thoughts, grief and hurt it does not mean that I am not thinking about other people and what they are going through.
Thank you for reading