When I started my blog I swore to myself that I would be completely honest. If people wanted to read it then that would be up to them and if they didn’t? Well it would give me somewhere as an outlet to vent how I feel and get things off my chest. I actually started my blog at a time when I felt alone and I felt like people weren’t interested and those who did show an interest about what I wrote on my personal Facebook were taking offence to everything I wrote. ( Although there is that saying, If the cap fits.. ) Real life isn’t just a case of family days out and board games. Real life sucks, it doesn’t just a little bit suck it mahoosively sucks and I am really struggling with it right now.
I should probably explain….
Have you ever been in the position where you just feel trapped? Nothing you say or do is right, people appear to have absolutely nothing positive to say about you and even your closest friends in the grand scheme of things have more important things going on in their own life to care about you? That’s where I am right now. You see I am going through possibly the worst year of my life so far. In general I have a lot of bad luck and it just keeps coming over and over again and I am absolutely powerless to stop it.
I lost one of, if not the most important people in my life this year , but I didn’t just lose her this year. I feel like I have lost her not once but twice. What most of you probably don’t know is that when I was 21 years old my mum fell ill. We had all gone away on a family holiday to Haven and whilst we were there my mum got a cold. Unfortunately due to all of her other health problems the cold progressed very quickly and next thing we knew Mum was on a ventilator fighting for her life. She stayed on that machine for 6 weeks and we were told then that she wouldn’t survive the next 24 hours. Incredibly she did survive and she pulled through, I completely admired her for the strength that she displayed and for proving everybody wrong.
The only problem was that despite pulling through my mum wasn’t the same person. Before she fell ill she was full of life, always laughing and joking. I have lost count of the amount of fun times we had camping, going away or even on a Friday night at home enjoying a take away. We were close and although I didn’t see it at the time I damn well see it now!
I was super excited the day I came home from work to find Mum sat there waiting for me. She was out of hospital , she survived and I was completely in awe. It wasn’t long before the cracks began to show. Mum would be snappy, pick at little things, I could blitz the house from top to bottom and she would still find the tiniest speck that I had missed. Despite that and the fact that she wasn’t the same person I grew up with and remembered she did still have that same love and care for her grandchildren as she did for her own children.
Her health deteriorated year after year and she was constantly in and out of hospital. I can’t tell you how many times I prepared myself for this to be her final journey, but she continued to fight day after day trip after trip until one day she just couldn’t fight anymore and she was gone. Just like that, there was no warning, there was no long stay in hospital to prepare us and just a week before she had sat in my house telling me how she wanted to get her life back and prove everyone wrong, lose weight and get better. Only that conversation happened just a little bit too late for my mum.
I never really went to my mum or spoke to her about anything, we just didn’t have the kind of relationship where I felt like I could fully open up to her but if there was one thing I could go to her about it was relationships. If I was struggling then she would be on hand with the advice I needed and as much as I hate to admit it she was almost always right. She would always offer two sides and then leave me to decide which side was the right one to take and regardless of her own thoughts or feelings she would always support my decisions. I wish I was able to go to her now that’s for sure.
Struggling to find my way back
I am at a point where I genuinely don’t think I could possibly feel any more alone, I don’t think there is a single thing out there that can push me much lower than I am already feeling. Everybody always just assumes that I’m OK, It’s Chez she’s strong she can handle anything, Well I’m not fine and I can’t handle everything. The other day I sat and thought about the fact my world was crumbling and I needed to get out, I needed space but I had nowhere to go. Now I know that there will be people reading this saying, “she knows she could have come here” But I genuinely don’t feel that way. You all have your own lives, or your house is full of visitors, or I try to talk about my problems and you just don’t seem very interested or you are busy dealing with your own life and that’s OK. I understand.
I feel like I have been put down so many times by people who I have been close to, loved, valued that I now can’t turn to anyone. When you are told things such as ‘ Anything I have you’ve had it 10 times worse, you only think about yourself’ , ‘ It’s no surprise we have mental health problems’ , ‘she’s manipulated every situation’ , ‘the world doesn’t revolve around you’, ‘get over it’ , ‘it could be worse’ , ‘I promise this time is different’ You really struggle to find your voice and talk about your problems to anyone. Now I feel like I can’t talk at all. What is the point when everyone just thinks that I am complaining or moaning about nothing.
I don’t want sympathy
Please don’t see this post as a cry for sympathy, that isn’t what I want. I am aware I will receive messages offering support or somewhere to chat, I also know many people will say my door is always open.I just needed to get things out and had nowhere else to turn. I am at possibly the lowest point I have been at in my life. I don’t want people to message me because they have seen this post, I truly believe it shouldn’t take me writing something like this or a status on Facebook etc for people to just check in a see how I am.
I’ve lost my mother, people I cared very much about and the person who I thought was my soul mate but really isn’t and I am sad, I am REALLY sad. I’m also alone, but I am not sad because these people have gone, I am not sad because times are moving forward and things are changing. I am sad because despite my best efforts and I really have tried my hardest to be a good daughter, friend, sister, partner , mother. I have been powerless to prevent it all from happening and in some situations I just never was and never will be good enough.
I am trying so so hard to improve my life, make positive changes and become a better me but there is always an obstacle in the way, my best friend even jokes about the fact that I carry around a big black cloud wherever I go, If it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all. I want to do so much with this incredibly short life.
I now have a massive wall up, this wall is there to protect me, stop me from making the same mistakes again. Stop me from ever putting myself in positions where I feel anything less than my worth. I will get through this and things will improve. That I have no doubt about. I refuse to let life swallow me up and be wasted. But today? Today I feel alone….