As you know we decided to postpone Christmas for ourselves this year for a week and focus entirely on the children and making sure that they had the best Christmas that they could possibly have. Particularly when it would be their first one without their much loved Nanny.
We have been through what can only be described as the most heartbreaking and hard year ever this year with so much going on not only around us but between us too. Our relationship broke down into a million pieces and we lost the ability to communicate.
What people don’t know is that I hit a very dark place, a place that nobody, no friends or family knew about apart from you and despite me constantly trying to push you away you refused to leave the house. You refused to leave me at a time where I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. Not even you. This was a time where I actually hated you for not packing your bags and just leaving me to deal with my own thoughts and feelings.
For the first time in the 5 years I’ve known you , you made sure before you went to bed that you sat down with me and made sure that I was ok. Checked if there was anything I needed to talk about anything playing on my mind and you put me first.
Today was always going to be very tough the very first Christmas without my mother. The woman who gave me my love of Christmas in the first place. Not only that but it was also the due date of one of the babies I had lost, add to that it being the first Christmas without us being together (the date we got engaged) the pressure and emotions were something that I was dreading. I became quiet and withdrawn instead of my usual bouncy excited self. But you refused to let me wallow in self-pity and continued to encourage me to stick to traditions that we had created and get excited with the kids.
This morning you woke me up very early only it didn’t quite go to plan I woke up with full blown flu and severe headaches. I wasn’t able to cook Christmas dinner or even make the trip to cemetery to wish Mum Merry Christmas and instead spent the whole day asleep poorly but not once did you complain. Instead you took charge.
You took care of all 5 excited children whilst single-handedly cooking Christmas dinner with all of the trimmings.
So I just want to thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and supporting me at a time where so many others just turned their backs. Thank you for being stubborn and not leaving me to wallow. Thank you for not giving up on me even though I keep pushing you away and for being patient when I know it’s very hard for you.
I know we aren’t together and who knows what the future has in store for us but I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you.
Merry Christmas Giraffe