I’m sure that many of you will relate when I say entering the dating world is a very scary experience. When you’ve spent the majority of your adult life to date in long-term relationships and become comfortable to then end up heartbroken it makes you build a wall that can be difficult to break down even for yourself
I decided that I deserved happiness. I deserved to meet someone who would love me for who I am, who would want to not only be my partner but also my lover and best friend. As I have 5 children getting out of the house to actually meet people can be difficult.
I can’t invite anybody here as my older children now no longer go to bed early and obviously I will not be introducing anybody to any of the kids for a very long time. So I decided to venture into the world of online dating.
Well what an experience that is! I signed up to a couple of well-known dating sites, after knowing they work as people very close to me have actually met their husbands/wives using these sites I figured I had nothing to lose
It started off well I signed up and had people “liking me” However I very quickly discovered that many of the men on these sites were only interested in a quick hook up, casual fun or were already in relationships and looking for a little bit on the side.
Whilst I’m not in a rush to meet anyone but I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss adult company, someone to share my day with. A cuddle after a tough day and all that jazz.
It didn’t take me long to realise that online dating perhaps isn’t for me.
When you have spent a long time with someone they already know your flaws, they know your personal life and the things that you are facing. If you read my blog then you will be aware of the problems with my eyesight, What if I meet someone and they realise I have bad eyesight and it isn’t something they care to deal with?
I am also very embarrassed about my body, I would love nothing more than to be one of those bloggers who is extremely body positive, telling you every single size is beautiful regardless just like the amazing Riona – The unnatural woman but I can’t because I genuinely don’t like my body at all. If I can’t stand the sight of it how on earth can I expect someone else to like it?
I suffer from a couple of health issues and would never want to be a burden on a potential new partner.
Built a wall and being guarded
One thing I am really struggling with is actually agreeing to meet anybody. What if there is no connection but even more than that, what if there is one and I actually have to let someone in?
I have managed to build a wall so high that realistically who is going to even attempt to knock it down? I see so often people talking about no baggage or someone having too much baggage for them. I have the world’s supply of baggage a failed marriage, a failed long-term relationship as well as my insecurities. How on earth am I supposed to expect somebody to just accept that and see past it to me?
My own worst enemy
I know I want to meet someone, I know I want to make new memories and open the next chapter in my book. I know that deep down I’m just an old romantic that still believes in happy ever after. Maybe I’ve watched too many Christmas films and live in an unrealistic world but I really believe that there is somebody for everyone.
The problem is that I won’t allow myself to actually find it. I won’t even allow myself to attempt to meet someone and really there is no need, I have absolutely nothing to lose. I have been single for almost a year now ( on and off but more off than on) and I would like to move forward but fear of getting hurt is causing me a massive problem.
I’m no longer searching for it and I’m hoping it will find me but life is short so I’m hoping it doesn’t take forever to find me
Fingers crossed eh?