I’m sure that many of you will relate when I say entering the dating world is a very scary experience. When you’ve spent the majority of your adult life to date in long-term relationships and become comfortable to then end up heartbroken it makes you build a wall that can be difficult to break down even for yourself Continue reading “Dating as a single mummy , Insecurities and Being guarded”
Yesterday I was feeling a bit rubbish. My head has been quite bad recently but I’m sure it’s just down to stress rather than pressure. I woke up feeling a bit miserable but decided that it was going to be the day where I ventured out of the house on my own for the very first time EVER with all 5 children Continue reading “Venturing out on my own with all 5 kids for the first time!”
I was sat recently thinking about how other people attempt to escape reality. Everyone at some point or another just feels like they need a short period of peace. Where they take themselves away from the world and everything else in it. Whether it’s taking part in a hobby, joining a club of some sort, running. There is always something.
If you are a regular reader of my blog or a follower on my Instagram/Twitter or Facebook then you will know that I’ve been through a pretty tough period in my life recently when I thought the world would be a much better place without me in it. After receiving intensive CBT I am now ready to talk you about moving on!
Whilst it may seem very fast to some what people don’t realise is I have actually been single on and off since November last year and even the in between bits have been what we will call strained.
I found myself missing company, not even anything within a sexual way but someone to talk about my day to or to snuggle down and watch a film with. It’s a lonely world when you’re single with 5 children, there is only so much you can discuss with your children.
So I signed myself up to a few well-known dating apps, not entirely sure what I was looking for but looking for something. Well what an experience that is, From guys dressed in pink latex like a pig to someone offering me £100 for an hour of ‘my time’ It certainly didn’t take too long to realise that maybe I was out of my depth.
Call me old-fashioned but I like to get to know somebody, laugh , joke, chat not just sit and text about the sex that will never happen. Apparently these days guys seem to think that if they send you a picture of their manhood it’s going to make you fall in love with them.
After spending a while and chatting to a few fairly normal people it came to a point where they were beginning to discuss meeting up with me. Something inside me was holding me back, I knew these guys were just taking the next natural step but for some reason I just couldn’t do it.
After politely declining invitations and having a chat to Gareth about my thoughts and fears ( yes Gareth, I know shocking huh?! but he’s actually very good at giving me a males perspective on things and we’ve turned a huge corner but I’ll get to that in a bit) I sat alone in the quiet and thought about what I really want in life.
As I was thinking I knew that the dating sites was not what I wanted, I didn’t think it would be fair on the people I was speaking to if I built up something that I genuinely wasn’t interested in.
I could accept the dates and meet new people and build friendships but that is all I would be looking for after all what did I have to lose? One of those dates could turn out to be what I’ve been searching for , for a very long time. A best friend, a soul mate, a partner & lover but the truth is as much as I thought that’s what I have been searching for it isn’t.
What I’ve actually been searching for is the real me, not the one that’s been ground down by other people, not the one who was made to feel worthless and insignificant by other people but the real me and who I want to be. I realised that it’s now time for me to focus on myself for once instead of trying to make everyone else happy.
I have aspirations and I want to do things with my life. I don’t want to be a stereotype single mother of 5 children living on benefits. I want to make something of myself, go back to work and to the gym, lose weight, learn how to love myself again because let’s face it how can I expect anyone else to love me when I don’t even love myself.
Gareth and I
As you all know we split and I am in a position where I know that I did absolutely everything I could to save my relationship, I was supportive, caring, did the little things that matter but at the end of the day relationships will only work if it is coming from both sides and in our circumstance that wasn’t the case.
For quite a while after we split things were very bad, we couldn’t even look at each other without it turning into an all guns blazing argument, we spent periods of time where we just had to spend a few days with no contact to cool things down a bit. Words were being thrown around both ways that were extremely hurtful.
I was very angry, hurt and upset that despite everything I had done I still wasn’t good enough and Gareth was frustrated that his responses towards me weren’t sinking in.
One day after a particularly bad argument I went out to visit his mum and whilst I was gone I had a bit of time to think, I returned to the house where calmly we sat and spoke like adults for the first time ever. I explained my thoughts and feelings and Gareth told me his. That night we decided enough was enough, the fighting wasn’t doing anybody any good, not him, me or the children. We stood in the back garden and had a long hug and this is where we turned a corner.
As much as I didn’t like the situation, as much as I didn’t think it was right, as much as I felt like I had been left struggling through no fault of my own and my family had been torn apart I had to accept that it is what it is and move forward. You can’t force somebody to love you and as the saying goes if you love somebody then let them go and that is exactly what I have had to do.
Turning the corner
Once we removed all of the pressure of ‘us’ and talking about the past we realised that we actually like each others company, we could be in the same room together without it turning into an argument, we even started having a laugh together.
We went from never discussing other people to openly talking to each other about potential dates and who we each were talking to. One day whilst listening to Gareth talking about a lady he was talking to I noticed something, It didn’t hurt anymore. I never felt that horrible pang in my stomach, In actual fact I found myself curious and excited to see what would happen next for him.
Don’t get me wrong I will love him forever, he is the father of my children and I genuinely 100% believed that he was my soulmate, I didn’t believe that we had gone through everything we had for nothing but I do now feel like the decision to split was right. It would never have worked when one of us felt so much more than the other.
Now we are pretty much best friends, he comes round almost everyday to see the kids. I can not fault him in anyway when it comes to being a Dad, He also has grown a lot and started to see the world a little differently after being admitted to hospital.
I am actually enjoying watching him transform from someone who was so lost into the person he wants to be. I am so proud of him for picking himself back up from the worst possible place he could be and I hope that one day he finds the person he does really click with and has that special connection with, most importantly I wish him happiness because at the end of the day is happiness not what we all truly want?
I have now deleted all dating apps, I realise I don’t actually need or want a man in my life. Don’t get me wrong I still get lonely and I do miss cuddles on the sofa but I never ever want to put myself or the kids through this again. I am focusing on myself and my children. I am going to work extremely hard to make sure that we gain a nice home by decorating it instead of being embarrassed about it.
I’ve rejoined a gym and started eating healthier. Every morning I now take vitamins to try to improve certain parts of me that were making me feel self-conscious such as my hair thinning.
I am at the moment struggling to decide what to do when it comes to going back to work or throwing myself into studying to become something more when Bethie starts full-time.
Right now my world revolves around me, my children and our happiness. I no longer want to listen to negativity, I am no longer going to take other people’s opinions so personally because one thing I learnt during my CBT sessions was that they are exactly that, just opinions, they aren’t facts and quite frankly you can’t please everyone and not everybody is going to like you.
More importantly than anything else I’ve written today, I WANT TO LIVE!
Thanks for reading
It’s Sunday afternoon, The kids have been fed and watered , the uniforms are drying , it’s not quite bedtime yet so we are all relaxing, relaxing in this house means lots of different YouTube videos being played at exactly the same time. I’m sat here listening to them and a particular voice that just does right through me so I thought what better thing to do than to give you my Top 5 annoying YouTubers? Let’s start and number 5 then work our way to what I consider to be the most annoying YouTuber around. ( Please note these are purely based on the people who my children watch regularly and drive me nuts , I’m sure they’re lovely people in ‘real’ life.
This YouTuber is one of Annabelle’s favourites, she can be found watching this at every opportunity. I just don’t get it! It’s some guy drawing stuff and talking about the most random things in the land. I’ve just looked and this guy has over 7.4 MILLION followers. I guess the best way to describe it is kind of like a blog in cartoon form. Honestly I don’t get why this keeps Annabelle occupied for hours but it does!
She talks weird, has lipstick everywhere and just chats rubbish. I believe she is a comedian and Miranda Sings is actually just one of her characters like Lee Francis being Keith Lemon. I’m sure that the 9 million followers she has understand her comedy a lot more than I do but I’ll stick with comedians like Michael Macintyre , At least I understand his jokes
Blippi is one of my toddlers favourite YouTubers in the land and I have to be honest when they first started watching him, I thought he was brilliant. He helps to teach children colours, days of the week, months of the year so he is extremely educational. However, my little uns love the songs meaning that I hear Blippi songs almost 24/7 . There are only so many times that I can hear the halloween song before I start losing my sanity. ( As I’m writing this I had to find the link to share with you the joy of the halloween song and immediately Bethie is climbing on my lap to sing along … groan )
2. Liza Koshy
This one is someone the teens tend to watch, I kid you not when I tell you this girl is actually completely barking mad! … I sat watching one the other day where she was trying to drive a car and I just thought oh my god really what do my kids watch?
I definitely wouldn’t recommend this if you’re wanting your kids to watch someone educational and inspiring. She swears a massive amount and has an attitude I wouldn’t want my kids to have.
And in poll position for the YouTubers I find most annoying is …………..
Now I do feel this may actually be a little unfair on Ryan himself because it isn’t actually him that I find annoying. It’s his mum! Her voice goes right through me and her constant fake laughing is similar to when you hear someone scrape their nails down a blackboard.
The little fella himself has done so well I just feel that maybe his parents have taken over a little bit too much as it has changed so much since the beginning and they seem to attempt to take over quite .
So there you have it, these are my top 5 annoying YouTubers, do you have any? who are they? why do you find them annoying?
Like I said these people are probably lovely in real life but they just drive me nuts 🙂
If you know me personally you will know that my brain NEVER switches off. From the second that I wake till I’m trying to go to sleep I am constantly thinking. I still find it alien that people can just switch off/ meditate / think of nothing. As well as that it doesn’t even switch off when I’m asleep meaning that 99% of the time I dream ( no wonder I’m always shattered!) Continue reading “I had a dream last night …..”
Tonight I write this with a much clearer head than I have had for a few days. This week has been one that has been very hard to swallow , where I have been called so many things, had so many hurtful comments made about me and where I have really struggled to see a way up. I am exhausted. Continue reading “Exhausted both physically and mentally”
I always said when I started my blog I would blog not only about the good times but the bad times too, so I thought that instead of painting the picture perfect idea of how our family are doing that I would be realistic. So I wanted to talk to you about the other side of being on benefits, the one nobody talks about or shows. Continue reading “Struggling but coping …just and they say that benefits is the easy life!”
Last night I went to Harry’s parents evening and whilst the majority of the comments were extremely positive, saying how well he is doing and how high he’s performing. Another comment kept arising from most of the teachers and that was how Harry is overworking himself and over doing things instead of just doing what is asked of him. Continue reading “Are our teens being over tested and overworking themselves?”
Now I’m aware this is a really random topic but whilst sitting there tonight eating my luxury tea of spaghetti hoops on toast, looking at the comments on the post I put up on my Facebook page about foods you were made to eat as a child and have never eaten since it got me thinking about how other people eat and their food preferences. Let me explain … Continue reading “Let’s talk about food! Are you a food snob?”