*** Trigger warning *** Depression & Anxiety : I never thought it would happen to me

Anyone who knows me personally will tell you I’m very outgoing and very bubbly. I love being surrounded by people and having fun. When bad things happen I brush them off and start again. So nobody could have been more shocked than I was when depression and anxiety entered my life.

Panic Attacks

I went away with friends, I usually go a couple of times a year. It’s my respite from the world, my chance to be Chez , not mum. I count down the months, weeks and days until I’m going. Only this time I wasn’t excited, I was scared. I must have gone through every ridiculous scenario possible just for the journey there let alone when I actually got there. I got in my car and I wasn’t in my usual bubble where I rush to get there. Don’t get me wrong I couldn’t wait to see my friends but I just couldn’t shift this nervous feeling.

On the Saturday afternoon we were all laughing and joking in the bar and all of a sudden I got this overwhelming feeling that I had to leave. I left the group and headed back to the chalet. As I was walking my chest got tighter and tighter, I couldn’t breathe and could feel myself panicking. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I knew enough about them to know that this was one. I would then go on to have a few more before I went home.

The weekend was good but I just couldn’t switch off from the stresses of the world and fully enjoy it. I even packed my bags at 6am to leave and go home until my sister-in-law spoke to me and convinced me to stay where I was.

So scared

I’d been home a few days when I woke up one morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. More than that I didn’t even want to talk to anyone at all. The thought of going to do the school runs gave me palpitations. I lay in my bed and ignored everyone, I didn’t change my clothes so wore the same clothes day and night for a week. I couldn’t eat, didn’t bathe, didn’t want to be alive. People were messaging me but I didn’t reply. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me I just wanted to die.

Brain in overdrive

My brain would not shut off, from every single conversation I had recently had to the things that had been said to me recently, everything was constantly going round in my head. I was a failure, I was a rubbish mum, Nobody cared if I was here or not. Everyone’s lives would be better without me in them. I even thought about how easy it would be to take some tablets , just go to sleep and never wake up again or crash my car, everyone would just think it was an accident.

Mums grave

I must have visited mums grave more at that time than I had since she had passed away. I sat there for hours away from the world and the people in it. I felt it was the only place I could go where people wouldn’t think I was attention seeking or being dramatic.

I wanted to die and one day I decided that it was the day to do it. I set off to my mums grave and had absolutely no intention of returning home, as I sat beside mums headstone I said ” I’ll be with you soon mum”

I was going to die, I was finally going to be free from my thoughts, this horrible disgusting body, free from the nasty words of people and feeling like I was nothing. I would be free.

Someone did care

Whilst I was at the grave my ex partners mother was constantly texting me, talking to me, making sure I was ok, Telling me that I was important and that people cared and she invited me to go for a coffee. Initially I ignored her text then I figured I could go and see her one last time. I genuinely believe her inviting me for that coffee and just sitting and listening to me that day is the reason I’m still alive.

The crisis team were called

Now I have spoken to the crisis team many times but never for myself. This time they were called for my own safety, After a lengthy phone call I was reassured that they would take care of me and help me to feel better. The explained how I was highly stressed with no support and everything that had happened not only in the last year but since I was a lot younger had finally take their toll on me and I had just had a mental breakdown.

Assessment

I was called by another member of the team who took me through a thorough and proper assessment, they asked me lots of questions where I had to give things a rating, they asked me about my suicidal thoughts, asked me about how I felt as a mother. I was completely honest and told them how I felt like I had done nothing but let my children down, I couldn’t give them the happy family I always wished for them. I felt like I was a worthless mother and they would be better with somebody else.

The lovely guy on the phone listened carefully to everything I said and then told me why I was feeling the way I was and how my thoughts were exactly that, my thoughts and not a reflection on what everyone else thought.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

so where am I now?

I no longer want to die, don’t get me wrong if I fell asleep tonight and didn’t wake up I still think people would be relieved and their lives would be better without me. But I don’t want to die. I am having weekly therapy, they are teaching me to retrain my thoughts. Mainly about myself because I can not put into words how I feel about myself. I feel disgusting. But I’m sure the picture I have added as the feature picture on here will give you some idea.

I want to get better, I want to become a role model for my children. I want a career and to use the brain that I have that is being wasted. I want to meet somebody who will love me and my children unconditionally , who wont ever make me feel like a waste of time.

But for now I’m working on loving myself again , finding the positives and trying to get out of my house a little more.

 

Hopefully this post will explain my sudden absence from my blog. I wasn’t be rude or ignorant I got very sick, very quickly and literally overnight went from ok to in a really bad way and you know what made it worse? I couldn’t even pick up the phone and talk to my mum to help to make it better…..

I would like to advise EVERYBODY male or female if you ever find yourself in the position I was, if you ever feel the way I did please get help. You are worth it and you know what? So am I!

There are a number of helplines that can help you  please click here for a list of helpful numbers

Also please remember you can google your local mental health crisis team, they WILL listen, they WILL understand and the WILL help.

 

The Other Side of Mental Health – Being on the receiving end

You may have recently read my anonymous post about mental health and finding a light at the end of the tunnel. Well I can now tell you that this anonymous post was actually from Gareth. You see we have been hiding a massive secret… Continue reading “The Other Side of Mental Health – Being on the receiving end”

Mental Health Awareness – Trying to find light at the end of the tunnel

I am going to start a series focusing on Mental Health. This has been something I have been thinking about doing since I published my post about self-harming in schools. Now I mentioned in that post how self-harming was becoming a trend and this meant that people out there who really needed the help were being missed. I think that Mental Health is something that shouldn’t be a taboo. It should be spoken about and people should be aware.

If somebody was lay in front of you with a bleeding wound you wouldn’t just leave them would you? So why are so many people expected to just ‘deal with’ mental health problems?. I am hoping that by raising awareness and sharing stories from people who are suffering it will help others. If these help just one person to relate and get help then it will be worth it.

My first story was emailed through to me today and I think it just shows how powerful mental health conditions can be and how they can take over everything! I think that the writer was extremely brave for sharing their story.

Mental Illness – Trying to find light at the end of the tunnel

Am I crazy?

Did that just happen?

Did anyone else hear that?

Just leave me alone?

Don’t go please stay?

 

These are just some of the many thoughts that happen not just in the day but within the minutes and hours.

It’s hard to admit you have something mentally wrong with you because of the stigma you are then labelled with immediately, you must be insane, something must have happened bad in your life or stay away from them there not right in the head they must be dangerous or it may be catching.

I always knew something was wrong by the way I could switch on a coin at any point, Mr nice happy bouncy guy to me cold and distant within seconds acting like I don’t even know you enough to care.

My temper was something uncontrollable just sat there inside waiting to come out whether it be nasty comments, shouting or just putting you down so you feel bad and hurt then all of a sudden CLICK. I’m walking around like it never happened and I can’t understand why you’re so mad.

Relationships don’t work when you so wrapped up in your own thoughts, your own world that you don’t have time or even the patience to care enough about someone else. Constant arguing, shouting, swearing, door slamming, making up, breaking up, making up a vicious circle of emotions that never fade never go away and just seem like routine.

Bouncing from relationship to relationship until you finally find someone who you truly care about and think they can change you, you will move heaven and earth for them they have everything you want in life right there in front of you and you jump at it before it flies away….time goes by it’s good then BOOM you make the biggest mistake in your life and you feel you lost everything in one moment but you get another chance.

When you are with someone in each others pockets for a long period of time you can’t hide anything you get to know their habits, there flaws, the things that make them smile, laugh, cry and unfortunately there’s only so long you can hold back issues you have with you until they see the multiple sides to you and suddenly your problem is now OUR problem. Shouting, swearing, temper tantrums, coldness, over happiness, hallucinations, hearing things all come at once and for someone who doesn’t have these problems or has ever witnessed it before it’s a scary thing to see.

The Breaking Point To Getting Help

A simple thing like washing up you hear something a voice, a lady’s voice but not your partner because she’s outside enjoying the sun, this voice calls you and taunts you and all of a sudden you lose your shit, within seconds your singing to the radio next thing your blubbing and running like your life depends on it out the house in case it follows you whatever it is.

Your partner try’s to calm you down for hours until the doctors are called to calm the situation. That then is the time to seek professional help I went to the appointments that were made and got diagnosed with a severe Personality Disorder, for those who doesn’t know what that means it’s a mixture of Bipolar, Schizophrenia and other disorders which explains why I’m so many different people and emotions all the time. Medication was given but as a means to try to sedate me but it wouldn’t workout so well.

My whole relationship has been based on lies, broken promises of giving time and attention, lack of interest in not only my partner but in myself to the point I was contemplating suicide…now there’s thinking about it constantly to I’m going to walk to the top of that building and it will be quick and over so soon but even despite all this the 1 consistent thing is my partner who’s weathered the storms and still stands there and here I am not even able to show her any sign of love or affection!

Change is in the wind

I’ve made my fair share of bad decisions and let things go past me without a care of who they would hurt, I’ve hurt loved ones and unloved ones. I can’t sit here and blame all this on mental health because if things need to be fixed it has to be from me inside,

I will take my medication, see the world how it is one day at a time and promise to my loving rock of a partner that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that you will get your happy ever after because you are my soul mate and show my children that its OK to have problems it’s how you deal with things that counts.

You could walk past me today and I will smile to you say hello and ask how your day is but all I ask and many people with Mental health issues ask is if you know we have this don’t treat us different don’t talk to us different or avoid us all together, we are just like you but it takes us a little longer to adapt to situations.

Thank you for reading

MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT! IT IS EQUALLY AS IMPORTANT AS ANY OTHER ILLNESS AND WE SHOULD BE MORE AWARE OF IT AND THERE SHOULD BE MORE HELP OUT THERE FOR THOSE WHO NEED IT. NOBODY SHOULD EVER HAVE TO FEEL THAT ALONE.

There are several organisations out there who do an incredible job and who can help you completely anonymously. I will list some below, You can look on the NHS website for more helplines if none I have listed below can help you. If YOU have a mental health story that you would like to share, completely anonymous then please do get in touch. Let’s break the taboo!

Anxiety UK – This is a charity that offers support to people who have been diagnosed with an anxiety condition

Bipolar UK – This is a charity that offers support to people with manic depression or bipolar

CALM  –  Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15-35

Mind – Mind is a charity that helps people suffering from mental health problems with support and help

 

** All quote pictures in this article were taken from google however the writing came from someone who deals with mental health problems every day.