I’m sure that I am not the only parent that has sat and questioned myself and wondered if I am a bad parent.
I went through so much to become a mother, you can read my journey to become a Mum on a previous blog post of mine but let me explain to you why I am writing this now.
From an early age I have tried
From the second my babies entered the world I wanted nothing but the best for them. I wanted them to have a happy family home. Days out, holidays. I have always tried to have an open and honest relationship with all of my children and I have tried to teach them right from wrong.
As soon as they are able to understand I have taught them how to talk, with many people complimenting on how well-mannered and polite they are. They have all also excelled in school and whilst this makes me very proud I am far more interested in knowing that they are well-rounded and kind human beings. I like to know that they have morals and are in general good people and up until now I have felt that I have done a good job of doing that.
So what has changed?
Recently I have been having problems with Annabelle. It all seemed to have changed when she was having issues with bullying at the beginning of last year. I wrote and told you all about how my beautiful and happy little girl had changed. She was no longer happy and smiley, instead she always seemed sad. We spoke with the school and they sorted out the issues very quickly and we thought that was the end of it.
However we were wrong. Recently she seems to have become somebody that we don’t even recognise. I checked her school bag and found some letters. There were letters from a parents evening that we had missed, there was a letter from a meal at school that parents could go to. When I asked her why she hadn’t told me about the letters and the words that came out of her mouth broke my heart. She told me that she didn’t think that I would care!
My beautiful princess, my baby , my world didn’t think that I would care about what she was doing at school. I have never in her entire lifetime missed a single thing that she has done. From school plays to parents evenings, special events to craft days I have never missed a single one and I never would. I love going along and seeing how she is doing.
When I asked her why, She told me that I had been so busy with the issues that Harry had with school, Ellie and her thumb and running around after the babies that she didn’t think I would be interested in what she was doing.
Sitting her down I told her just how amazing she was and just how much I loved her and was proud of her and that I would never want to miss anything that she does. I loved her just as much as the others and that it made me sad that she thought that I wouldn’t care.
I’ve never felt like such a failure as a parent than in that moment, I would hate to think that any of my children would feel like they didn’t belong or that they didn’t matter. All of them are absolutely my world and my everything. I would be lost without any of them.
We called the school after the discovery of the letters to speak to her teacher and express our concerns about her and her behaviour. The teacher explained to us how they had noticed a change in Annabelle at school too. All that she is interested in is singing and not very much else. She has started to give an attitude to her teachers and kicking off when she doesn’t get her own way.
She has started working slower and her handwriting has become messy and sometimes unrecognisable. If she isn’t allowed to sing at the end of the day it causes all kinds of problems.
Recently I went to the doctors and the doctor asked me if anything else was playing on my mind and I told her about Annabelle, she suggested to me that maybe Annabelle maybe struggling with grieving for her Nan also and that she could benefit from going for a visit to the doctors for a chat and to see if they can help. I suggested this to Annabelle, she wasn’t very keen on the idea and wanted to try to work on it at home first. For a short while she seemed much happier so I decided to leave it. Now she seems to have gone back into the Annabelle I don’t recognise again.
Last week I was away for 24 hours and whilst I was away for those 24 hours she was horrible to Gareth, she had given him a really hard time. It was so bad that he was genuinely hurt and upset by it.
I’ve tried so hard with all of my children and I am at a complete loss as to where I have gone wrong. I try hard to make sure that I spend time with her and talk to her about any problems that she has.
Every week I spend hours doing her hair and I use that time to talk to her, we discuss school, home, life in general, we laugh , we giggle and if she has any problems we work through them.
I’m going to book her that appointment at the doctors but I really just want my beautiful, polite, well-mannered little girl back. I love her more than I can ever put into words.
I must have gone wrong somewhere, I just can’t figure out where ….