A catch up for those who haven’t read all of my blogs so far , what we know so far is my name is Chez and I live with my fiance Gareth in Telford I’m almost 35 and we have 5 children Harry (12) Ellie-Jayne (11) Annabelle (7) Freddie (2) Elizabeth-Ann ( 5 months), 3 of them are with my ex-husband whom I was married to for 10 years, the younger 2 are mine and Gareths and we have been together for almost 5 years now ( 5 years in June).
So now I will go onto the things you didn’t know some you may find interesting, some will explain why I act in certain ways, some may shock you especially if you know me on a personal level, some may not but I hope either way that you find them interesting to read, and show that everyone has a story, everyone has a reason for the way they are and how they react to things and even the people who appear so strong may not be as strong as you think they are…. here goes!
- I am the youngest of the family, I have 1 older sister and 2 older brothers, I was adopted by my dad when I was younger and despite everyone telling me how much I look like my dad he biologically isn’t my dad HOWEVER in my mind and my heart he is much more than my dad he is my FATHER and I wouldn’t want anybody else in this world to be my dad, I am a complete daddies girl, when I was younger if I was ill it was never my mum that I would want it would always be my daddy. I had a very good childhood and I cannot praise my mum or my dad anymore for the way that I was brought up. They did everything that they possibly could to make sure that we all had everything that we needed, we were always clothed, always fed and always had everything we needed, we very rarely had a Christmas or birthday where we didn’t get what we asked for and they worked bloody hard to make sure we got it too. I won’t deny it being the baby meant that I was spoilt rotten but we definitely had a great childhood and a good solid family unit, and it wasn’t until recently and listening to other people’s stories and how their childhoods were that I realised just how lucky we were, I am shocked really at how hard most other people around me have had it, we really were the lucky ones. I am EXTREMELY jealous of my brothers and how sorted they both have their lives, and it isn’t through luck or anything like that it is because they have both worked extremely hard to get to where they are and they both deserve everything that they have, I honestly wish that I had followed in my eldest brother Neils footsteps and used my brain, gone to university and made something of myself, it isn’t even the fact that I couldn’t or that I didn’t have the intelligence to do it, I just avoided school so made wrong choices ( I will come to that later) so never did it, if I had have I could be in the position that he is now and not have to stress and worry so much. Paul my other brother worked very hard to get where he is now, he didn’t go to university but still managed to secure himself a very good job, he worked his way up right from a normal everyday job to a managerial position with a nice car, has his own home and is in a very good place, if I could have either of their lives I would be a very happy person. So there you have it, I have an amazing family who I am proud of and I wouldn’t change them yes we bicker and we fall out like all families but if I had to choose a family I would choose the one I have already.
2. I was horrifically bullied in senior school, in year 7 a boy punched me so hard in the face that he actually broke his hand, in year 8 I had my head smashed off the hooks in the P.E changing rooms, in year 9 a girl dragged me by the hair in front of a bus! in year 10 it got so bad that I wrote my mum and dad a letter begging them to help me and saying if I didn’t get help soon then I couldn’t live any longer and I meant it too, I didn’t want to be in a world where everyone hated me so much, where I couldn’t walk down a street without someone having something horrible to say to me, I genuinely just didn’t want to be around anymore, It was every single day and constant, it wasn’t physical most of the time, it was constant threats, constantly being put down, called names, being told how worthless I was, being shouted at, taunted, I actually can’t tell you a single day during senior school where I felt normal, where I felt like I belonged there or where I actually wanted to be there. Before I started senior school I was a high graded student, I was above average in all subjects, I never struggled with anything. I had a very good chance of making something of myself then I started senior school the bullying started and it all went down hill from there, I stopped going to school , I never once skived a day off though, I just never went in , until one day mum got a letter off the local education authority saying if I didn’t go in then she would get a fine and possibly send to prison so I had no choice I had to go back and that’s when I wrote her the most heartfelt letter I have ever written in my life but also possibly the most genuine letter I have ever written and equally possibly the hardest letter any mother could ever read from their daughter, now I’m a mum myself I can’t imagine how awful that must have been for her to get, but thankfully she read it and she listened and she helped and writing that letter turned out to be the best thing I did because mum went mad, took me to the school demanded meetings and with the headteacher and my mum we managed to get some things sorted and I was able to start going to school again without living in fear, I learnt that day that right from the very beginning I should have just told someone what was going on instead of dealing with it myself, and now if any of my own kids have any problems I am on it like hot cakes and I will NEVER let any of my children go through what I did if I can help it, unfortunately for my parents I was very good at hiding it all so they didn’t really know what was happening or how bad it was but I make sure I constantly check on the kids and recently when Harry had problems I went nuts so there is number 2 , I had a really rough time at school and as a result it meant I didn’t do with my life as I wanted and I almost ended my life.
3. When I was growing up my ambition was to sing aboard cruise ships, I have always wanted to be on stage, I LOVE singing and despite people telling me that I’m good I truly don’t believe them, I know I can sing in tune but so can thousands of people and I think in order to do a job like that you need to have the ability to make people’s hairs stick up on the back of their necks and have power behind your voice, I was actually offered a job singing on cruise ships when I was 19 but had just met my elder children’s dad and turned it down! ( crazy I know) so didn’t go, not only that I never thought I was good enough, I worked as a holiday park entertainer for a while but even when I was doing the job I STILL wished I was as good as everyone else on the ents team and hoped one day I would be able to say I was as good as they were. You can hear some of my singing HERE and judge for yourself, don’t worry I won’t be offended if you decide to turn it off within 2 seconds 😉
4. Despite being a very loud person and coming across as very confident I am the complete opposite, and I struggle badly with self-confidence, more so recently, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I sound and I struggle to talk to people, I walk around with a million and one problems but I don’t talk about them which in turn makes it very difficult for me to sleep, I went to the doctors once wondering if I was depressed maybe or suffering from some form of mental health problems, it took the doctor a very long time to get through to me and he pushed and pushed and pushed until he eventually made me crack and breakdown in front of me, at the time I HATED him for it but at the end of the consultation he told me I wasn’t depressed at all I just held far too much inside me and was like a pop bottle ready to burst, and I let things build up instead of dealing with them, you see the thing is any of my friends will tell you I will sit and listen to them for hours quite happily and give them advice but when it comes to myself I’m a half-open book, I will start talking but only ever give half a story but I don’t do it on purpose, either I will get cut off halfway through speaking and then give up on what I was going to say, or the conversation will get diverted in another direction so I don’t bother to continue so I just don’t bother saying anything at all, if I do open up which is VERY rare then it means that I genuinely feel close enough to someone to tell them everything so if you are one of those people then please all I ask is you see that as something very special because as a rule I don’t talk to anyone about anything…. I’m one of these people who seem to put everything on Facebook but if you was to look a little deeper you would see what I put up is actually just general everyday crap and nothing of any significance. I really struggle to deal with people having issues with me and them not telling me why or what I have done, or people suddenly changing towards me and either I am very naive or I really am a different person to who I think I am, the last year or so, so many people have suddenly acted differently towards me it has made me question everything about myself and it has genuinely bothered me far more than it should, but these are people I’ve either known for many years or who I have considered people I felt very close to and the fact that I don’t know why has caused me a lot of sleepless nights and in reality I know it shouldn’t bother me but it does. I spend far too much time and far too many sleepless nights worried over why someone is acting a certain way towards me, or why I wasn’t asked to be involved in something or what I’ve done wrong
So there you are, these are just a few things about little old me, there is so much more you all have to learn about me but I thought I would cover just a couple of things and the reason I chose this particular few today is because these are things that have been playing on my mind recently or are conversations I’ve had that other people have been going through and I thought maybe the people have had these conversations with me about themselves not realising that I am struggling with exactly the same things I just haven’t told them …
See on the outside I appear to be very bubbly, confident , loud , outgoing but even us gobshites aren’t all we may appear and have insecurities and trust me this is only a snippet of it 🙂
But do you know what else??
I’m a mummy to 5 beautiful babies, I’ve just moved into a beautiful home, I didn’t get a high job and I don’t have my own home, I can’t afford a car but before I wasn’t able to work anymore I managed to work my way up from a waitress to a manager of a restaurant, them bullies ?? yeah they knocked me down but I’m still here and they didn’t beat me, they even tried to add me as a friend on social media ( sorry I don’t have time for people like you guys) … I didn’t go on the cruise ships but I still spent nearly 3 years doing a job I adored and performing in 6 shows a week and yes I hate the way I look, I worry over what other people think but there are 5 people who love me for exactly who I am, who don’t care how I look, who love every inch of me and who enjoy singing with me and watching my dodgy Youtube videos… they call me mummy 🙂 xx