Our 6 weeks adventure list – Fun, Cheap Days out for the summer

It’s the school summer holidays and every single year we end up just sitting around the house barely doing anything so this year I sat everybody down and asked them places they would all like to go to. Obviously we have a large range of ages so finding things to suit everybody can be quite tricky but between us we managed to come up with a list of places to visit. As we visit each place I will pop a review of them up on my blog so you can see if you would like to visit them yourself. Continue reading “Our 6 weeks adventure list – Fun, Cheap Days out for the summer”

Summer Holidays Days Out – Exotic Zoo Telford – Review

As we enter the summer holidays I decided that this year wouldn’t be like all of the others where we sit in the house and do nothing. We sat together and wrote a list of places that we would like to go to visit for days out that were either very cheap or free. each one I will add a review for as we go so that you can see for yourselves what the places are like. I will point out at this point that every place that we visit we are paying for ourselves, none have been gifted and non are advertisements or paid for. Today we visited the Exotic Zoo in Telford Continue reading “Summer Holidays Days Out – Exotic Zoo Telford – Review”

*** Trigger warning *** Depression & Anxiety : I never thought it would happen to me

Anyone who knows me personally will tell you I’m very outgoing and very bubbly. I love being surrounded by people and having fun. When bad things happen I brush them off and start again. So nobody could have been more shocked than I was when depression and anxiety entered my life.

Panic Attacks

I went away with friends, I usually go a couple of times a year. It’s my respite from the world, my chance to be Chez , not mum. I count down the months, weeks and days until I’m going. Only this time I wasn’t excited, I was scared. I must have gone through every ridiculous scenario possible just for the journey there let alone when I actually got there. I got in my car and I wasn’t in my usual bubble where I rush to get there. Don’t get me wrong I couldn’t wait to see my friends but I just couldn’t shift this nervous feeling.

On the Saturday afternoon we were all laughing and joking in the bar and all of a sudden I got this overwhelming feeling that I had to leave. I left the group and headed back to the chalet. As I was walking my chest got tighter and tighter, I couldn’t breathe and could feel myself panicking. I’ve never had a panic attack before but I knew enough about them to know that this was one. I would then go on to have a few more before I went home.

The weekend was good but I just couldn’t switch off from the stresses of the world and fully enjoy it. I even packed my bags at 6am to leave and go home until my sister-in-law spoke to me and convinced me to stay where I was.

So scared

I’d been home a few days when I woke up one morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. More than that I didn’t even want to talk to anyone at all. The thought of going to do the school runs gave me palpitations. I lay in my bed and ignored everyone, I didn’t change my clothes so wore the same clothes day and night for a week. I couldn’t eat, didn’t bathe, didn’t want to be alive. People were messaging me but I didn’t reply. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me I just wanted to die.

Brain in overdrive

My brain would not shut off, from every single conversation I had recently had to the things that had been said to me recently, everything was constantly going round in my head. I was a failure, I was a rubbish mum, Nobody cared if I was here or not. Everyone’s lives would be better without me in them. I even thought about how easy it would be to take some tablets , just go to sleep and never wake up again or crash my car, everyone would just think it was an accident.

Mums grave

I must have visited mums grave more at that time than I had since she had passed away. I sat there for hours away from the world and the people in it. I felt it was the only place I could go where people wouldn’t think I was attention seeking or being dramatic.

I wanted to die and one day I decided that it was the day to do it. I set off to my mums grave and had absolutely no intention of returning home, as I sat beside mums headstone I said ” I’ll be with you soon mum”

I was going to die, I was finally going to be free from my thoughts, this horrible disgusting body, free from the nasty words of people and feeling like I was nothing. I would be free.

Someone did care

Whilst I was at the grave my ex partners mother was constantly texting me, talking to me, making sure I was ok, Telling me that I was important and that people cared and she invited me to go for a coffee. Initially I ignored her text then I figured I could go and see her one last time. I genuinely believe her inviting me for that coffee and just sitting and listening to me that day is the reason I’m still alive.

The crisis team were called

Now I have spoken to the crisis team many times but never for myself. This time they were called for my own safety, After a lengthy phone call I was reassured that they would take care of me and help me to feel better. The explained how I was highly stressed with no support and everything that had happened not only in the last year but since I was a lot younger had finally take their toll on me and I had just had a mental breakdown.

Assessment

I was called by another member of the team who took me through a thorough and proper assessment, they asked me lots of questions where I had to give things a rating, they asked me about my suicidal thoughts, asked me about how I felt as a mother. I was completely honest and told them how I felt like I had done nothing but let my children down, I couldn’t give them the happy family I always wished for them. I felt like I was a worthless mother and they would be better with somebody else.

The lovely guy on the phone listened carefully to everything I said and then told me why I was feeling the way I was and how my thoughts were exactly that, my thoughts and not a reflection on what everyone else thought.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

so where am I now?

I no longer want to die, don’t get me wrong if I fell asleep tonight and didn’t wake up I still think people would be relieved and their lives would be better without me. But I don’t want to die. I am having weekly therapy, they are teaching me to retrain my thoughts. Mainly about myself because I can not put into words how I feel about myself. I feel disgusting. But I’m sure the picture I have added as the feature picture on here will give you some idea.

I want to get better, I want to become a role model for my children. I want a career and to use the brain that I have that is being wasted. I want to meet somebody who will love me and my children unconditionally , who wont ever make me feel like a waste of time.

But for now I’m working on loving myself again , finding the positives and trying to get out of my house a little more.

 

Hopefully this post will explain my sudden absence from my blog. I wasn’t be rude or ignorant I got very sick, very quickly and literally overnight went from ok to in a really bad way and you know what made it worse? I couldn’t even pick up the phone and talk to my mum to help to make it better…..

I would like to advise EVERYBODY male or female if you ever find yourself in the position I was, if you ever feel the way I did please get help. You are worth it and you know what? So am I!

There are a number of helplines that can help you  please click here for a list of helpful numbers

Also please remember you can google your local mental health crisis team, they WILL listen, they WILL understand and the WILL help.

 

Top 5 Annoying Youtubers that my children watch

It’s Sunday afternoon, The kids have been fed and watered , the uniforms are drying , it’s not quite bedtime yet so we are all relaxing, relaxing in this house means lots of different YouTube videos being played at exactly the same time. I’m sat here listening to them and a particular voice that just does right through me so I thought what better thing to do than to give you my Top 5 annoying YouTubers?  Let’s start and number 5 then work our way to what I consider to be the most annoying YouTuber around. ( Please note these are purely based on the people who my children watch regularly and drive me nuts , I’m sure they’re lovely people in ‘real’ life.

5. The Odd 1s Out

This YouTuber is one of Annabelle’s favourites, she can be found watching this at every opportunity. I just don’t get it! It’s some guy drawing stuff and talking about the most random things in the land. I’ve just looked and this guy has over 7.4 MILLION followers. I guess the best way to describe it is kind of like a blog in cartoon form. Honestly I don’t get why this keeps Annabelle occupied for hours but it does!

4. Miranda Sings

She talks weird, has lipstick everywhere and just chats rubbish. I believe she is a comedian and Miranda Sings is actually just one of her characters like Lee Francis being Keith Lemon.  I’m sure that the 9 million followers she has understand her comedy a lot more than I do but I’ll stick with comedians like Michael Macintyre , At least I understand his jokes

3. Blippi

Blippi is one of my toddlers favourite YouTubers in the land and I have to be honest when they first started watching him, I thought he was brilliant. He helps to teach children colours, days of the week, months of the year so he is extremely educational. However, my little uns love the songs meaning that I hear Blippi songs almost 24/7 . There are only so many times that I can hear the halloween song before I start losing my sanity. ( As I’m writing this I had to find the link to share with you the joy of the halloween song and immediately Bethie is climbing on my lap to sing along … groan )

2. Liza Koshy

This one is someone the teens tend to watch, I kid you not when I tell you this girl is actually completely barking mad! … I sat watching one the other day where she was trying to drive a car and I just thought oh my god really what do my kids watch?

I definitely wouldn’t recommend this if you’re wanting your kids to watch someone educational and inspiring. She swears a massive amount and has an attitude I wouldn’t want my kids to have.

 

And in poll position for the YouTubers I find most annoying is …………..

1. Ryan’s toy review

Now I do feel this may actually be a little unfair on Ryan himself because it isn’t actually him that I find annoying. It’s his mum! Her voice goes right through me and her constant fake laughing is similar to when you hear someone scrape their nails down a blackboard.

The little fella himself has done so well I just feel that maybe his parents have taken over a little bit too much as it has changed so much since the beginning and they seem to attempt to take over quite  .

 

So there you have it, these are my top 5 annoying YouTubers, do you have any? who are they? why do you find them annoying?

Like I said these people are probably lovely in real life but they just drive me nuts 🙂